My Fault

Lately, I have a hard time looking at my fiancé. When I look at him all I see is disappointment and regret in his eyes. I made him make a the biggest and worst mistake in our relationship and our lives. I gave him no other option, no other choice.

A couple months ago we were living  in our own apartment with our dog, Zayleigh. I moved two hours away from my family and friends to live with him. I know it doesn’t seem like much but when you’ve lived in a small town with loved ones for 20 years, its a huge difference. I wasn’t used to being so far from my parents which was the hardest part but I was doing alright. Until my grandpa that was in and out of my life got in a horrible car accident, which the love of his life passed away from. It really made me reconsider my life, my goals, and my choices. I told my fiancé that I couldn’t live two hours away from my loved ones anymore. That life is short and I want to spend that time as close as possible with my family. My mom is a chain smoker I’ve been terrified my whole life that one day my mom was going to get sick and wouldn’t be here anymore. My mom and I never got along when I was a teenager, I was unbelievably disrespectful to her. So when my grandpa almost died it made me think back to how horrible I was to my family and I didn’t want to regret not being there all the time for them. So in the next couple of weeks I went home to my family. I gave him no other choices, I told him ” I will leave with or without you.” So of course my fiancé finished out his last couple weeks at his job and moved down here with me. Doesn’t sound to bad now does it?

We have done nothing but fight and bicker at each other for months. We aren’t making as much money as we were up north. We aren’t in our own place, we live with my parents because in a small town there isn’t much to rent. We are stuck in a little room with boxes pilled to the ceiling with the three of us. My brother and his wife also live with my parents in the basement. The house is beyond crowded with people. My job is ridiculous, I am miserable at it. When I look in the mirror all I see is hate, hate in my eyes because I hate myself for the choices I’ve made for us. I hate myself for moving back down here. We aren’t happy in any part of our lives. I know, we aren’t stuck but we are for a couple months. Which those couple months seem like forever, they seem like they will never end that we will be stuck in this room we call a home for an eternity.

When I talk about how depressed I am all I can think is how I deserve it. I deserve to hate myself because it is my fault. Its my fault we are so unhappy and our relationship is falling apart.

I am making a big step in my life though, I’m not living for my parents anymore. Im not going to live for my mom. Her choices are hers, I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. So I’m living for my fiancé and myself and by doing that we will moving back to where we started our journey.

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