when the student is ready

Despite the fact that it’s happened countless times, I am always surprised when I -without effort or warning – see an old situation in an entirely different light. It’s shocking, like a slap to the face or a bucket of ice water dumped on one’s head, but I am experienced enough to recognize that this feels like this because it’s been going on, but I’ve been oblivious.

Maybe that’s a bit harsh. Perhaps it’s like the precious Buddhist nugget “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” 

One of the red flags that I have come to recognize is the intellectual acceptance of something as factual but my feelings don’t connect with it. When I have the aha! moment, it’s as if my feelings attached to my thoughts with an audible click.

I have been saying that I am bored at a profound level for a long time. How long? I don’t know because I feel that I’ve been changing so much over the last 10 years, I cannot always tell where one thought or feeling ends and the other begins, or if it is morphing from one to another, when it was decisively a new form. It’s been a rumble for four or five years, I suppose, but the seismic activity is picking up. It’s more than a rumble and I am ready to move.

I spent most of my life overthinking. With a great amount of work, I no longer do. Now I observe things but continue going about my business, knowing that everything changes and new opportunities will present themselves … I just need to be open so I can see when to jump aboard. There are people that go out and make things happen; I am not usually one of those. Those people are motivated by things outside themselves … then tend to be competitive, often impulsive, usually extroverted. I am cooperative; a deep, slow thinker; introverted. I can behave like an extrovert, probably because our culture (I live in the USA) demands it, but I am an introvert. I need a remarkable amount of solitude. However …

I recently had a couple of weekends full of art: live music; an eclectic assortment of art displayed in various settings; and a renewed interest in my own means of expression. Instead of being drained because I had spent all my waking moment weekend hours with people, I was energized. This is new. It may have been there longer than I know, but until I experienced it … how could I know?

I am ready. I feel a little nervous saying that because I know the universe will respond with something much larger than what I had in mind but if I actually said it aloud, it’s been going on down deep for some time.

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