don’t rain on me.

It started raining very suddenly.

I’m really depressed. Not because of the rain, which actually sounds nice. Now the rain has stopped, but the weather app still says “raining”.

I want to go to school but I also don’t want to do anything.

I still haven’t typed a single word of my summer writing assignment. How do I even start? It’s supposed to be a commentary on the relationship between men and women in our chosen book, and the author’s assertions about this relationship. The only thing I can think of saying is that the author wrote the novel from a more feminist standpoint and that the female characters are portrayed with more strength than the male characters, most of whom are either spoiled and childish and doted on, or selfish and toxic and patriarchal. I don’t think the author just intends to say that men are all evil and bad, though, because there are brave, good, and kind men and actions made by men in the novel, and some of the men that are first portrayed as cowardly or selfish are redeemed in the end. Perhaps she’s just saying that: 1) men and women do need each other but 2) the patriarchy hurts everyone so 3) women must be treated as independent equals, and if they aren’t then 4) they are going to fucking dismantle the patriarchy with their bare hands if that’s what it takes to bring down an oppressive regime. Okay, maybe not so much number four… or not in those terms haha. The women in ITToTB love the men but are often betrayed by them in some way or the other… It’s so infuriating. It’s such a good book though, even though you already know what happens to the sisters in the end. I’ve read a short piece by Julia Alvarez before, and her writing style is beautiful in a really interesting way. Hey, ranting here helped a bit, so now I have a few horrible sentences written in my Google Doc! Yay!

I got my letter from my English teacher a few days ago. It was short, and just had the stuff you would expect to see from a teacher. But it means a lot to me. My teacher is such a great and inspiring guy. I’m glad I got a 5 on the AP test; he congratulated me for it, and it’s great that I didn’t disappoint him.

 

Here’s a depressing bit that you’ll probably want to skip over:

 

I am giving up on any ideas I had about our family ever reconciling again. It’s hopeless. My brother and sister are quite bored with us; my sister is so much ruder than I remember her being. I get it; you hate us all; we have nothing in common now; you’re independent and living your own life; you just want us to leave you alone. I don’t know why I bother. My father is forever stuck in his own denial and insecurities. My mother and my younger sister are probably going to fly all the way back to China once I leave for college. We’re just poor and we’re all tired of being together and a reconciliation is never going to happen.

So tired of doing things. And of doing nothing. It’s so hard to be positive. The only thing I enjoy is listening to music–the same old songs on repeat. School scares me, but it’ll be good to have a purpose again. I still don’t know what I want to do… what I want to major in. I don’t know and I don’t even want to think. I wish it were easier to do all this. I wish it were easier to be happy and stop feeling so lonely and dejected.

One thought on “don’t rain on me.”

  1. You do seem to have lots of ideas for your summer writing assignment than you think 😉 🙂
    I know what you mean about the family stuff…my older sister (she’s 32 now!) is ruder too…I love her though, she helps me a lot I mean ruder as in she has no patience whatsoever with our dad who is ‘terminally’ mentally ill. She has her own life so doesn’t want to deal with him anymore. She recently moved to a new house in Reading to which our dad is not welcome. My mum will probably move back to Mexico, she doesn’t see much point in staying in the UK as the years go by. Obviously any family situation is never exactly the same as anyone else’s, but there are some similarities and I always wonder why I bother so much too 🙁
    It is hard to stay positive but you don’t have to be positive all the time, I know I can end up putting more pressure on myself at times trying so hard to be positive when in that moment it’s not possible and I end up getting more frustrated and depressed!

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