it’s nice hearing a nice lady say it’s okay to not be perfect, and it’s okay to not be superman.
if it isn’t hard to get started because of pain, it’s hard to get started because you think you should be able to do it all at once but you really can’t.
and for some reason that’s a brick wall to work through.
i know i should do a little at a time. i should work with my limitations. but i’m not quite there yet. i either do nothing or everything to the point of incapacitation.
it’s one lesson i never learn.
i haven’t slept well in months. i’m in varying amounts of pain every day. i’m on the rag. i can’t get shit done. i don’t WANT to get shit done. aside from taking care of the dogs and all the entails, it’s hard to make myself get anything noteworthy accomplished.
ohh wait. i finished a book! i’m a productive member of society again!
if i didn’t live in the cultural ass end of nowhere i’d look for support groups. maybe that would help. online socializing doesn’t really appeal on that one.
fewer things are appealing to me lately.
on the romantic front, it’s a rollercoaster. if i’m not hard core shut-down, i’m anxious. if i’m not anxious i’m angry. if i’m not angry i’m sad. if i’m not sad things feel okay. when things feel okay, my stomach twists itself up into my throat.
there’s no sense of sureness anymore. no security. it’s like the solid path is now a tightrope. what if i get too angry too long and push him away? why shouldn’t i push him away? i don’t want to push him away. better push at him to be sure.
it gets hard not to deal out low blow after low blow to hurt him like he hurt me, when i’m angry. that’s not what ~grown ups~ do. and then when i’m not angry i want to pull at him and cry until he makes things right again. the rest of the time i push it all down and act normal. then i read too much into a text and it all starts again.
unless i’m reading exactly the right tone of it, then it’s on. again.
he pulls into himself to process his shit and i need to lay all my shit out to process it and he’s stubborn and i’m stubborn.