Give me my damn pills

I have been a nervous wreck for at least two weeks because I haven’t had my pills.  I finally saw my doctor yesterday and told her everything that was going on and she luckily gave me an early refill.  I had to wait about an hour and a half just to get them though.  There was some issue with me getting an early refill and they’re benzos so the pharmacy gets all uptight about them so they had to call my doctor and I had to wait until she called them back and after an hour and a half I finally got them.  I would have waited all damn day just to get them because I’ve been without them for so long and it’s been hell.  Just knowing I have them makes me feel so much better.  I really do want to make them last this time because I hate running out before I can refill them again.  So while I was waiting for my pills I was worried that I would be late getting to the lake to meet up with some friends from work.  So after I got my pills I rushed straight over there and somehow I beat them there.  I had brought a bunch of light beers so I chugged a couple before they got there.  When they finally got there we set up shop by the benches and the bbq.  It was so much fun.  I really needed it.  At one point I challenged my two guy friends to swim across the lake which was about two miles one way.  I made it but the guys cheated and used a floatie to get across and then couldn’t even swim back.  After that I was pretty tired and kind of ready to go.  Only problem was I had drank one too many beers and couldn’t start my car.  Ugh.  So luckily I had one of my friends drive it back to her house and I would just lyft home and pick it up later.  Oh yeah and the Tyler situation.  He had called me in the morning and I was really short with him and he said I sounded sad on the phone.  He said he wanted to hangout that night and I was still pissed so I kind of mumbled an answer thinking he would just flake anyways.  I think he kinda knew what I was mad about cause at first he said he was busy and then went over a friends the other night and then the second time he called he told me he was really upset about his car problems and didn’t want to talk to anyone so that’s why he didn’t text me back the other night.  I actually told my counselor about it and also my good friend and they both told me it wasn’t really something to worry about.  They said if he keeps it up though it’s going to be a problem.  I dunno, I’m just still confused.  I honestly don’t know what to feel and my instinct is to not let myself get hurt so I’m totally guarded.  So last night I was still a little mad because he hadn’t texted me about hanging out and it was almost 8pm so I called him to see what was up and I almost went off on him.  I mean if I hadn’t called when the fuck would he have even texted me?  So I was pissed all over again and didn’t even want to hangout at that point.  I still needed to get my car and I had planned to just pick it up on my way over.  He said his friend called to hangout and asked if I wanted to go but I was still pissed so I said I just wanted to stay in.  He told me to at least stop by for a little bit before he left and since I would be out that way anyway I reluctantly said yes.  When I got there he asked what I expected from us and I said I didn’t want to be just a fling or friends with benefits.  He said he wasn’t looking for that either.  So we did talk a little about our expectations which was a much needed conversation.  After that I defrosted a little and now I feel like we’re back to normal I guess?  Trust me I still have my guard up but I think it was good we had that conversation.  So we’ll see what happens now… I have work today but for once I’m not freaking out about it because I finally have my pills.  Then I have two days off to do god knows what.  If I had more money I’d totally drive myself to Monterey again.    

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