Since I last wrote, the dreams haven’t stopped coming… At night, I have dreams that he’s getting married or that he tells me he’s happier with the person he’s with now…During the day, I look up and I see him. Over and over, I look up and see him looking back at me. The pure shock on both of our faces. The frozen moment in time and sheer panic that followed… I think what would’ve happened had we stopped, had we talked… What would’ve been said? Would it end as awful as my dreams do? Would I finally get closure? Or would it open possibilities and make life complicated? My mind can’t help but to wonder. As desperate as I am to avoid seeing him again, I have to drive that road frequently and I can’t help but to hope it happens. I’m sure it would break my heart all over again, yet, would he have the same look of shock on his face? Would I? Would he smile? Would he turn away? I have hopelessly prayed that us seeing each other would prompt him to reach out, though I know he’s in a relationship and seeing as how he never felt the need after leaving me… I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
On another note, tomorrow is my mental eval for the spinal cord stimulator. How do you prepare for such a thing?… I keep telling myself that my pink hair makes me brave. It’s BEAUTIFUL. I haven’t felt this pretty in a very, very long time. Yet, I fear it’s not enough. How do I convince someone I can handle an implant? Hello, I had a spinal fusion and I didn’t need a mental eval for that! I’ve handled everything life has thrown at me this past year, that should damn well prove I can handle just about anything… But instead, it’s up to someone who doesn’t know me who is basing their decision on questions about feeling helpless and wanting to kill yourself… I am not going to lie. You can have the questions and we can talk it out. I research, study and memorize more information that probably 99% of your patients. I know what you want to hear but I am not here to please anyone. I’ll give you the truth and I’ll spout off facts and clinical trial information and what is needed to recover and mentally prepare for such a procedure. I’ll show you just how smart I am. Every doctor thus far thinks I’m a smarty pants so if you think that just because I suffer from mental illnesses that I’m anything less than able to handle it… Well… Go fuck yourself. Now let’s be honest, the reality is that I am probably overreacting as I write this and the eval will be no big deal… Hopefully. But I still feel the need to be on edge about it. Because if I am denied, I will be a whole mess of anger, sadness and disappointment. Time will tell, right?