Can’t sleep kinda night!

I can’t sleep! Too many things Running in my head like a Boston marathon. Just typing the word boston made me remember the Boston attack then I think bout how as a Muslim that affected me too because the next day I walked out of my apartment waiting to be approached by someone who’s ready to attack me. Ok back to my brain now. Too many things and I don’t know what to say. I’m very overwhelmed. Life has eaten me and drained me tommy bones. Everytime I’m down all I could think is I hate him. Him? Some one I loved. Still do but I hate him. He didn’t do anything he was perfect. I hate him because he’s nowhere to be found, he’s not there. Even though I wasn’t open in expressing my feelings but him being there meant the world. Ive never met him in life but we talked 24/7. I never knew what happened between us. He ignored me out of the blue but I did receive one message and that was him saying someone claims me as his wife! Wait! What???? Wife??? Well I never replied back because I was so hurt. We spoke all day everyday and what!??? How dare you think or believe such a thing. Like what the heck my life revolved around you. Even in my classes u were on the phone listening to the lecture. I don’t get it. Not a second (literally) goes by that I don’t think about him. Now my brain is jumping tommy father! I hate him with all my might. Oh shit tears are coming down my face. I’m so drained and I can’t breathe. Why is my life like this. It’s hard for people to understand because they don’t know anything that happens. My father I know has a good heart deep down and I know he’s hurt and scarred from what he’s been through. But why hurt your kids too? He’s an alcoholic and very abusive. He tore our family apart. Like why I just don’t understand. I’m just laying down now crying hoping that my brothers don’t happen to walk in or ask something from me. I’m so hurt and my heart is aching but I never dare show them that. They don’t see that side of me, as a matter of fact no one does, not a single soul. They see me like a mother and so I make sure not to fail them. Why am I alone???? I go through everything alone and I mean everything. I have no way of letting out what’s in my chest. This is my first journal entrance and I have a lot to say on top of what’s already been said. I think I feel a little better. But here we ago again remembering him. We will refer to him as Baba (not as in father, but he gave me care a father would normally give their daughter so I called him baba). I’m so hurt. Like I don’t know. I’ve been hurt all my life and the impossible has been done to me but the pain I feel from u is farm much worse. Why did you leave me???? Is it because you beilieved what you did? Like how dare you. You were with me 24/7!!!! Did u even verify it???? If u did then you would know it wasn’t true. I began to think that you said that so it can be an ascape route for you to leave me. I sometimes feel good that I never opened up to you becuase you leaving was what I was afraid of. I can’t trust no one. I don’t know anymore. I just want to go on top of a mountain and scream. I do have to say that whatever happened and happens I accept it as a decree of God and I know He won’t give me more than I handle and He’s the only one who knows what’s in my heart. I can only ask him to give me patience. My mother Allah yerhamha just thinking about her makes me go crazy. She passed away and inneber got to saw her. It’s almost two years now since her passing and I’m so torn I cry with no emotions because I’m so numb. And some days my pillow case is drenched in tears to the point that I have to put a towel under my head. Life is hard and it’s not for me. I pray and I find peace in prayer so I try to pray as much as I can. 

 

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