What is Gender Anyway?

I think about this a lot, especially recently. Ever since I was a child, I felt like I was never entirely a girl, but not exactly a boy. It was confusing to feel that way, and it was hard to put something so complex into words. Fitting in was always tough, cliques were never really my thing in school and I just was very overwhelmed. I remember it was a few years ago when I was in GSA, as an ally, when I first learned about the gender spectrum and I felt it all click. Everything I had felt as a child came back in waves, just the idea that you can identify as neither a female or male excited me. But as soon as that weight had lifted off my chest, I swept it under the rug like it was nothing as soon as I found that the idea of someone like me existing in this world clearly disgusted people. It was almost as if I had completely forgotten about that concept, and I had moved on. I tried to convince myself that those who identified that way were just attention-seekers, just trying to find ways to be unique. I told myself that I was too feminine, that this was something that would go away with time, but that feeling never left me. I had to face it at some point, and this was the year that I finally did. I am non-binary and I will never try to push that part of me down like it doesn’t exist, because I’ve already tried that and it, and it made me feel like absolute garbage. The idea of transitioning to completely male feels wrong for me, but being in a female body still feels just as off. But trying to just see myself as more in the middle has made me feel confident and better because I finally feel like I’m not afraid to know and accept what I am. Now I know this post is probably really controversial for some, and no,  I’m not trying to make a political statement. I just want to put what I’ve known for so long into words, and if I could change what I am, I don’t think I would anymore. This is not something I’ve ever asked or strived to be, I’m not even out to anyone yet because I’m honestly terrified at what people will think of me. I just hope that someday the world will become overall more accepting of those who are different, or at the very least let them live in peace. I just want to be happy, and I don’t want this to define me as a person but I feel like I can’t prevent people from doing that and it scares me. I just want to be me, and to feel like I don’t have to be pressured into thinking that my whole identity is just one lie, that it doesn’t exist. Because in reality, what reason would I have to lie about this. To be bullied for the rest of my life? To be told by many that I’m mentally ill or unstable? A part of me just wants to shove this part of me back down, but I know that if I do then I’ll truly go insane. 

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