My time in Bakersfield!

I’ve just gotten back from Bakersfield. I was there visiting family. I didn’t want to go and I wasn’t interested but for the sake of my uncle and drama I went. I had my ups and downs but all that my family saw were my ups. I did all the cleaning and I mean ALL! I did about 70% of the cooking. I did all the driving for my aunt. I took care of all the kids. But it’s ok, I did all the work knowing what I was getting myself into. Again they had an issue with me covering up particularly wearing the abaya. How is it their business in what I wear. It’s like they are telling me undress myself and show the world what I got. They should be happy about my modesty. I feel like it’s because the girls in my family don’t wear it with half who don’t even wear a hijab, it’s like they want to put me in the same level. I went to a few parties there. I made sure I would enjoy them and I did. I danced a lot and met a lot of girls. But not the crazy dancing that they do, I like to present myself in a certain way. I also got 5 different people coming to ask for my hand. Woah! Where did they all come from. I feel like i need to get married because I’m getting old and the older I get the less of a chance I would get someone who hasn’t been married before. There was this one lady I met at a wedding and she asked for me for her son, and I wanted to say yes because she was a sweet heart and she showed me a picture of her son and he’s very handsome and looked like a calm nice guy. But because I still HOPE for baba, I rejected. It’s been some months now and I’m sure he’s over me and doesn’t even think bout me, but because of hope, I hope for one day he will come back to me. I had to deal with my aunt. I’ve been blessed with patience and only God knows how patient I was from her comments to the stuff she tells me to do and everything in between. One time she grabbed my chest!!! That’s threw me off. Like why???? I was wearing a fitted dress and I was dolled up and everything because we were about to head out to a party. We were standing talking and she just grabs my chest. Like wth. I got the chills from my head to ny toes and I did not like it. She said she wanted to see how big they were but I was wearing a fitted dress u can see how big they were. Another incident was when I was washing dishes she came from behind and grabbed my waist. She was like u have a small waist and I couldn’t pull away because I had soap all over my hands. I felt violated but I guess it’s normal for my aunt and the ladies she hangs out with. I feel alone and this world and my feelings are right because I am alone. i do everything for myself and I mean everything and I also do a million things for a lot of people. Appointments, translating, driving around, making calls for them, and everything else that they need. Like I’m no servant but I don’t have the heart to say no. I hate myself and I can’t stop hating myself. I get so tired and exhausted to the point that I no longer want to live. I’m always in a lot of pain. I have my own appointments and things to do. The pain I get is chronic which means it will never stop. I’ve learned to live with it but some days it gets really bad and I have no one to cry to. So I just take melatonin which puts me to sleep. No one knows not a soul knows of what I go through. Like what difference would it make ? I’m just so irritated with myself. My medical bills is outrageous and I have a $533 payment due tomorrow. I’m so drained. Only God knows what I go through. I pray every moment I can and I accept everything that God decrees upon me and I’m thankful for everything. I just wish I was settled down and been taken care of. I’ve been supporting myself since I was young. I’m so sick and tired of it. I envy the girls around me because their only worry is trying to get money for Starbucks and I’m here suffering on my own. I envy that their fathers and husbands take them out shopping and they get to dress up and go to parties while I on the other hand struggle for everything. I just want to be normal. I’m dying to be normal but that will never happen. I’m just living to die. I have no interest in life. I do have hope but that hope will soon deminish. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m alone and it’s killing me. Today my throat started to hurt which means I’m getting sick. I hate getting sick because it feels like death. Sometimes I end up in the hospital because my body gives up on me. I’ve lost weight and it won’t stop. I look horrible. People are noticing and I hate that. I hate myself. I just want to disappear. I have no appetite for anything. But I force myself to eat and I eat very healthy. I love my salads. I eat once a day because I forget to eat and around 4-5pm I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach and so I remember to eat. I wake up and have a cup of coffee and I go out and serve others till I get home. I just wish there was someone home to come to who would take care of me. I’m being patient and the only way I can live is if I live day by day.

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