Blood Red Bracelet

Yesterday was actually a horrible day. My parents argued and I woke up to my mum crying in the morning and she’d be nasty and vicious in the way she’d respond to me and I know she does this when she’s upset but I can’t cope with it! I get really angry with myself when I can’t deal with my mum when she gets like this even though she usually does and always has but since her battle with cancer she’s gotten a lot worse…and it’s justified so I get so annoyed at myself when I start wanting to self harm over how she treats myself and my dad when she’s having a worry about her physical health but I end up feeling so bad I don’t know what on earth to do. The rage and sadness get stuck in my body and my body physically starts aching with all the strong, horrible emotions I feel. I start trembling and I even start sweating more…my body starts reacting to my emotions they are so strong 🙁 Cutting myself would release this in the past but problem was I’d usually end up going too far even when I didn’t intend to. The emotions I have to release are usually too big for minor cutting episode…I knew this too but I didn’t have any other form of release…I still don’t to be honest and that’s why yesterday was so bad. I told my parents in the end and we all had a discussion so that did help. I feel a lot better now 🙂

Phew I ended up typing more about yesterdays dramas than I wanted to. My mum was ok in the end, she got an emergency appointment with a GP and was prescribed a stronger medicine so she’s going to try that and it seems to have solved things for now…but obviously since the cancer her health worries really do consume her and she goes completely crazy for the whole day and it’s really bad 🙁 And there’s nothing I can really do either though I wish there was. I was quite busy yesterday despite all this, poor Harry was really upset as he doesn’t like me being so busy obviously at his age! I had to go to Asdas for nappies and other essential supplies for him and the house! Then I took the car I drive to be cleaned, then I took Harry to the dentist! It’s all the way into Cardiff and is quite a way away…I love driving though so I didn’t mind. Harry really was very good at the dentist poor thing, I know he wouldn’t open his mouth at first and when the dentist did get the little mirror inside his mouth he bit down on the mirror really hard…he’s too young to understand bless him…when the dentist finished he said “all gone,” and then started waving and going “bye, bye!” and everyone melted of course 🙂 His teeth are good and he got a Thomas the tank engine sticker 🙂

The first thing the dentist said though when I walked in carrying Harry was that I had lost weight and I was looking a lot slimmer…I really need to start looking after myself properly, I know I haven’t been the past weeks, just making sure Harry is fine but not myself. Anyway I get a break today because Harry went for his six hours with his father at 10am today. Might go out in a bit actually.

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