35. Void

I have avoided writing for weeks now. Simply because I have no idea what is going on in my head, or what it is I’m doing with my life. Life is entirely to over whelming for me to even process lately. I literally feel like I’m floating by with no control over my own actions. I begun drinking like a fish again, and I cant stop. It seems to be the only things to get me by, yet its the one things that has consistently ruined my life. Yet, I can’t manage to put the bottle down.

Because of this, I have lost the love of my life, Ann, again. Not souly because of my drinking, but a good portion of my lack of control is my drinking. July 28th, little did I know Antoinette, would once again reign her terror on my heart. It wasn’t until that day  of seeing her, I realized, this gaping hole inside of me I keep temporarily filling.  

On to what happened….


July 28th was a Friday night, I was working as usually. Once our dinner rush was over, I stepped off the line to use the rest room. Just as I was approaching the restrooms, my attention was grabbed by this huge party we have sitting in the back of the restaurant. As I went to pass the large party’s table I realized I knew the one young lady sitting at the edge of the table. It was Stacey, Antoinette’s cousin, it caught me off guard a little, so I glanced down the table, to realize it was not only her cousin, but her entire family, including Antoinette her self sitting at the other end of the table. As soon as I glanced to the other end of the table, no one other then Antoinette her self looked down the table and our eyes meet. I’m not sure if it was the fact I haven’t seen her in a year, or the pure shock of it, but I stopped dead in my tracks. I was only standing there for a few seconds, I hope, but it felt like an hour I was staring down that table at her unable to move, or even breath. Finally, I ran. I didn’t know what else to do….so I ran. Leaving the restroom was difficult. I knew they were all waiting on the other side of the door wondering the same thing I was, ” was that who I really think it was”, and once I walked out of the restroom to return to the line, we all would get the exact same answer….

Once I made it through the dining room alive, I went directly to the bar to tell James what had happened. Which led us to agree once we were off work we would go across the way and have a beer, what had happened was just entirely to weird.

Within 30 minutes both of us were clocked out, one of the servers Jess accompanied us, as a few others would be tagging along after they were finished closing. James, Jess and I did a round of shots, cheers to shitty Ex’s, and then ordered a few drinks to unwind. Within 30 minutes of us being at this bar, the good, relaxing, letting go night, is rained on. Antoinette, along with some of her family, walked through the door for drink as a well. In that moment everything within me died. I dove straight into the bottle, and I have yet to resurface. That moment is the last moment I actually remember of the night. How ever given text messages in my phone, that not I, but Ann found. I kissed someone else that night and continues to talk to her until I fell asleep. Which apparently was only for a few hours, because I was woken up to Ann standing over me asking me if I was alright because I didn’t respond to her for hours, let her know I was alright, or even say goodnight. I ALWAYS say goodnight. Always. We argued and talked through it.  

I told my self this wasn’t going to happen again. Once I realized who this girl was, because I wasn’t aware of who it even was at first, I tried to put it to rest. I say try, because some how we began talking more, and flirting more within the next week. I can’t even believe my self, or have any sort of idea how I continued to talk to her knowing how hard I fought to get Ann back in the first place. A few days later Ann found out I was still speaking to this girl, and left me. I cant blame her, and I don’t, I’m seriously a terrible person. The only thing going through my mind was, this little girl can’t hurt me, nor will I ever truly care about her…its safer. I can leave at any point in time with my heart intact. The fact things were going so great with Ann began to freak me out, I was getting testing and impatient with her, I could feel my self becoming distant because I always wanted to be wrapped up in her, next to her, I was so scared to lose her, but she in a sense wasn’t…didn’t seem to want to be bothered by my extra clinginess. She cuddled me less when we did spend the night together, or maybe it was because it was hot..it is summer. We spent several night together and did have sex..which is odd. She just didn’t seem interested. Again, which is very odd, and I began getting paranoid.  Even before the situation with this girl I told Ann we were moving to fast again, sinking into each other losing who and what we wanted to do individually. I guess it was just me tearing my self apart on the inside.

There’s a hole inside of me. It’s been there in Antoinette left. I keep trying to fill this void with drugs, alcohol and women. It will never work. It’s a part of me that’s missing, not someone or something else. I’m missing the love I once had for my self. The confidence that I am a good person, that is capable, a deserving of love. Not someone who ripped me apart for years. The last few months Antoinette was here she tore me down, wore my ring with no intent to Marry me, and made me feel like a freak of nature for being Trans. The words she spoke to me one night, “hes better then you”, ” he has everything you don’t”, ” he has a dick”, “he can give me babies”, ” your nothing but a freak of nature and you’ll never be a real man”. That last one repeats in my head ever other second, whether I’m awake or asleep.

I’m now in tears. How could someone spend almost 10 years with me, support me through therapy, through y first shot, do every shot for me for 6 years, go through surgery with me, say yes to Marrying me, support and fight for me, yet utter those words.

All of this has made me realize that this vicious cycle of every time something is going good, relationship wise, I bail before I can get hurt. I did the same thing with Rose as well. To an extent. I’ve made it clear to Belle (The girl I kissed) that I’m not looking for a girlfriend, I’m healing my self, that my heart belongs to someone, and I was wrong for taking things to that level. I need to be alone, I need to find what it is I feel like I’m missing. I have told Ann the same thing. I love her, I am beyond sorry for what I have done, and I do want to marry her some day, if she ever comes back. I just need some times to love me, spend time with me, and get my entire life on track not only mentally and emotionally, but financially as well. I’m scared for this, but I’m not going to give up..


Here’s to part 1 of my self destruction.

to be continued….

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