I’m leaving my theme of Family today. I’ve had a few very distracting days and have been searching inside myself to figure out what is rooting my emotions. Last night I found the issue. I gained weight. A few pounds more than I want to even talk about.
How did this happen?? I’ve been using food as a reward, a treat, an “I deserve it” excuse and slowly the pounds crept back on. It didn’t just happen this week, or overnight. I’m not proud of myself; so much the opposite I’ve been crawling inside my head and cowering there. Last night I understood something wasn’t right when I spent time staring at other women at the party wondering “am I heavier than her?”, “do I look like that?”.
I have a good friend and we talk about our weight openly all the time, both of us either happy or dissatisfied with our current bodies, depending on the day. But we also eat treats and feel like we deserve them; cheeseburgers, tacos, McGriddles (I mean come on…a McGriddle….a maple soaked pancake stuffed with bacon, egg & cheese….ri-di-cu-lous).
I looked back over the year, trying to see what’s happened, where things changed. I’ve had an extreme year, no one can argue that. At my lowest weight I was also at my lowest mental state, barely functioning, barely surviving. As I started to feel well, food became good again, tasty, desired; so I ate it feeling I deserved it.
Why do we use food as some kind of reward just for showing up? It’s such a social thing in our culture. Imagine a gathering of friends without food….what the heck would we do? I’m certainly not walking my talk or practicing what I preach and Cheryl is going to yell at me 😊 but I deserve it….I failed myself. I admit my failure and commit back to myself. I’m stronger than the cheeseburger and the taco (but the McGriddle….keep that thing away from me! 😉).