Breathe No More

Would you believe it, I picked Will up from his parents house today at 12:30pm with Harry and I drove us all to a big Mothercare on Newport Road in the city centre to finally get Harry new shoes. I had to use my phone as a sat nav to get there and as what usually happens in the centre of Cardiff there was a road completely closed and there was no warning at all. The sat nav wouldn’t let it go either and kept re-directing me to this closed road. Will cannot drive but he recongises the area so told me to keep going down one of the roads and that sat nav finally let go of the closed road and we all managed to get to Mothercare!

Will actually got Harry two pairs of shoes in the end, they are both really nice. Harry was extremely good having his feet measured and trying on different shoes. The lady who measured Harry’s feet said Harry was gorgeous and was a credit to us. Will did the whole “if you need money for Harry about anything all you need to do is ask.” He said this twice and I get so angry about it…he knows Harry and I are on benefits only because I have been deemed too ill to work in the past, then he takes me to court which costs me £3000 and I don’t even get £2000  in a year and he still repeatedly keeps offering me money! I don’t know it just pisses me off.

I dropped Will all the way back to his parents house and I didn’t take up Will’s offer to go into his parents house for a cup of tea. Afterwards I was pissed off at myself as I should have taken up that offer- for Harry’s sake really! I was only thinking of myself and the whole court thing. Well, Will himself probably feels awkward too though after all this as he sat in the backseat with Harry, he was going to go in the front seat next to me but I could see him decide against it.

Well ok it all actually wasn’t that bad in the end, myself & Will arranged to go and get Harry’s shoes together and we did. Thing is Harry was confused by the whole thing and I don’t think in a good way. Harry is clearly not used to me & Will taking him out together and this sudden, new disruption to his routine unsettled him…I could tell. I may be wrong but I am the one who knows Harry best! I could see it in his eyes. It’s not a good thing really…Harry is already thinking it’s not a good or normal thing if me and Will take him out together as it’s so rare 🙁

Anyway I am extremely tired and have a lot of aching muscles actually! I’m also experiencing these odd moments where I suddenly stop and it suddenly hits me “oh my gosh I honestly can’t do this anymore, I can’t live this life anymore, I just can’t do it, I can’t cope with my life.” I’m filled with panic and dread and am convinced I can’t go on and I can’t do anything. I get convinced I can’t look after Harry and that one is horrible 🙁 I try my best to just ignore it and carry on and I do carry on…it’s a hard one to explain but I’m busy doing something when it suddenly hits me and it’s awful. I think I cannot live my life anymore and it’s frightening. I’ve experienced it several times now the last few days. I really really hate it!

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