The pit of endless loneliness

I have created my own little fantasy world in my head.

I am so lonely that I have mixed reality and fantasy and made it one.

My fantasy world is like a vacation. There are no worries in my dreamland. There is no anxious thoughts or insomnia or sadness. You never want to leave because everything just seems so perfect. And then you come back to reality, the real world. You come back to the fucked up mess that you left. And then you’re right back where you started.

That’s where I am. Well, actually, I am in the real world trying to live in my fantasy. And it’s the hardest thing ever.

I have been so lonely for months. I’ve never had a real boyfriend. I’ve never even kissed a boy. I am too afraid to even hold eye contact with a boy.

There is one boy that I am so infatuated with. He is beautiful. He is everything I ever dreamed of as a little girl. He’s beautiful and he’s kind. He’s strong and he knows how to party. We used to have a “thing”, but it was short lived because I fucked it up. I guess whichever way you look at it, you could say he fucked it up. But I failed to show him my body right away, so in this day and age, it must be my fault…right?

I am so attracted to him. He is all I think about. I think about things I shouldn’t think about with him. I have never been the relationship type, but I could really have something with him. He lives in Illinois and I live in Texas, but he is in town just for a few more days and I want to hang out with him but I have too much anxiety to make a move. I don’t know what to do. If I don’t hang out with him, I will regret it. But if I do, I will make a fool out of myself.

This was a shit journal entry, but I’m really tired and haven’t really been able to gather my thoughts for the past week. I feel so lost and alone and just…sad. 

I’m just going to sleep.

Song of the entry: Dreams – Brandi Carlile


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