Ups and downs

Every day brings less color, fewer things make me smile.  My wife and I actually had dinner together on Sunday.  Went to a viewing for a friend who passed, then got in my car and went to a restaurant where the conversation was not angry.  Having said that, she did admonish me several times for making the smallest considerate comment, one was where I’d parked, we’d need to walk through grass to get to the restaurant door.  When I said, “Oh, I didn’t think you’d have to walk through the grass in heels”, her response was “Don’t try to control me by parking where I don’t have to walk through grass”.  

I took it because I wanted her back and still love her madly.  Back at the actual funeral at the close the minister said we could either go back up and see the deceased one last time or simply exit.  I leaned over and asked if she wanted to go back up.  She snapped “what does my wanting to go up or not have to do with you?”.  Our daughter sitting between us told her that was mean, and just a simple question.  Her estranged brother and family sitting in the row behind us heard it too.  It was mean and not needed, but I took it because I still wanted her back.

Last night, after a long day of battling with the insurance company over a claim about our house, I texted her from where I’m staying that I’d like to share a gratitude text at night with her, tell her the things we are grateful for.  She went nuts over that, stating that my demand was just a way to manipulate her.  

Wow…. It was a tiny request to share the few things that still make me smile, and hope to read some things that make her smile too, but alas, this was translated as me trying to control her.

I really think now there is so little to salvage.  How do I move on?  How do I simply fall out of love with someone after 33 years, even if she does mean things?  How?

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