I’m on a mission.
Part of finding me involves finding a way to manage my disease. I organize myself blood tests last week… neatly managing to manouver myself past the Doctor and put myself in direct contact with the Pathologist. He’s apparently an expert in autoimmune diseases. Score one for me for bucking the system.
I make him test for me every allergy, both food and environmental that there is. Many vials of blood and 2 skin allergy tests later, I start looking like a junkie who has run out of veins. I pay a premium price for the privilege of rocking this grunge look – I tell him money is no object. Just test for everything.
I’m super excited for the results. I’m totally convinced that I will fall into some part of the hype – I’m either gluten, wheat, meat, fish, egg, dairy intolerant. After all, a vast majority of the population is gluten intolerant according to most sites I have researched.
I’m waiting to hear if I must low carb or no carb or paleo or Mediterranean or whatever bloody diet there is that I will need to follow. I’m totally committed to taking the results and working with them.
Something needs to explain why my body aches. Why my muscles feel like they have atrophied if I am inert for a while, why my joints scream from pain, why I just feel like crying sometimes because I don’t know how to live like this. Why my once active brain battles to focus, why I lack drive and motivation, why I am just picking up weight, and really battle to lose it. Why my body breaks out in eczema. I know I have an autoimmune disease in my colon, but SOMETHING must trigger it.
But no!!!! Why would it be that easy – I’m not allergic to anything. I tell him it’s impossible. I have to be. I ask him if he is sure. There’s silence on the other end of the phone.
I’m reminded that sometimes the answers to the questions we need answered in life are not that straight forward. I have no idea of the next step.
I book myself in for some physiotherapy today. She says my back has spasmed so much she doesn’t know where to start fixing it. I know I should have attended to it a long time ago. The stress of the divorce, moving house twice in the last year, picking up heavy boxes and furniture didn’t help either. It’s so bad that she says it might be contributing to my joint pain.
Now I look even sexier …. physio strapping on my back and neck, and bruised junkie veins – a really eligible catch – any man’s dream.
I didn’t succeed in my mission to conquer the world today, but I know that a journey starts with a single step. And so I am just going to put one foot in front of the other for a while. That’s all I need to focus on ….one foot in front of the other.
One step at a time. Just get through today.