And so, I decide, today is the day. It’s the day I choose to be the first day to finding ‘me’.
It’s not that I don’t know who I am, I know it only too well, it’s about discovering the strength I once had, the resilience, the ‘fuck you I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need you’ attitude, it’s discovering how I regain the control, start dealing with the weight I have picked up in the last year, start managing health problems, stop being so damn needy, stop doing the bare minimum to survive, and start trying to feel alive again.
It’s about being AWESOME again.
Big words, big intent… the challenge is in the execution.
If it was that easy I’d have done it already.
It still amazes me that someone as in control and together and intelligent as me, allowed you to break me down so completely that the once independent, over achieving woman I was, is a shadow of her former self. Instead of waking up and barging into my day, all guns blaring, I now wake up some days filled with anxiety, depression, insecurities…. sometimes just wanting to pull the blankets over my head and dissolve into nothingness.
Sometimes so unsure of myself, my worth, my ability, my discernment in decision making.
Largely consumed by the pain created by you, the pain which is the result of the stress you created – the stress which was so high and intense that it caused my body to attack itself to the point of an autoimmune disease. That’s your legacy. That’s how I will remember you. Not the beginning, not the 25 years we were together, but the end.