Today, I went back to hell. Today was the first day back at school.
I usually am at least a little bit ready to go back. I usually look forward to something about the new school year, whether that be the people, the teachers, the activities that come with being in high school…but this year, I am not looking forward towards anything.
Sure, the football games will be fun. Yes, I am excited to go to homecoming with my friends and dance my ass off all night, because that’s the one night that I truly unleash the beast and have the best time of my life. But other than seeing my friends, I don’t really look forward to school anymore.
It kind of makes me feel a little bit of nostalgia. I remember being in elementary school and summer felt like forever long. I was so ready to go back to school by July, and now I just wish summer would last forever. I often reflect on how I used to be compared to how I am now, and I get really sad because I see all these times of losing my innocence–where I changed and became more mature. Where I saw the world differently.
I miss being a little kid. I miss not having a care in the world and not having to live up to any of my peers expectations. Where I grew up, everyone was a mean bully. But no one truly cared, we all kind of bullied and pressured each other and that was normal for us. Thank God I moved in the middle of 5th grade. I don’t know who I would be right now.
I don’t like being a teenager. I remember not being able to wait until I was a high-schooler. I couldn’t wait until I had a boyfriend or could shave my legs or could drive a car. I still don’t have my license because I’m 15, but boys suck and shaving gets annoying. There are so many things that I realize are truly shitty things that I looked forward to as a child.
I am very good with change. I like changing schools, changing houses, changing lifestyles, etc.. I like the difference. Change is what keeps me going. Change helps me revolve as a human. I search for change.
What I don’t like is starting the change. The first day of that brand new school gives me so much anxiety. The first night of sleeping in that new house eats me alive at the fact of what kind of things could happen in the dark. The first step towards that new lifestyle could complicate things or change your fate or destiny. But then I remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Whether you believe in God or The Universe, there’s something working our every move and constantly making construction towards the path that we need to be on. No matter how far you get off track, God or The Universe will find a way to get you back on track–back to what you were originally made for. And someday, you will find that.
I have trouble with that. I have trouble believing that our suffering is supposed to change us into something great, that it’s supposed to help us learn. Yes, I do learn more about myself and how cruel the world can be, but none of it is positive. Why do we have to feel such negative feelings? In the summer, I am working towards happiness. I am on my way towards success and I feel like I’m finally achieving my version of “success” within myself. And then the school year starts, and somewhere along the way, I lose that sense of confidence and happiness and I get suicidal and allow myself to wallow in the deep pits of my sadness. Why must God or The Universe make us feel this way? Sometimes I get so deep into it, I find myself having to force myself to put the knife away or to just close my eyes and cry myself to sleep. And then summer comes around and I get better. And the cycle continues.
I hope this school year is good. I really hope that it’s easy. I usually feel motivated the first week of school to keep my grades up, but right now I am not really feeling that so strongly like I have in the previous years. Maybe that’s because I’m so lost by my wanting of love, or maybe just because I have seriously just given up. Either way, I better find some kind of motivation and it better come soon.
Sorry this was really long. I had a hole in my chest that writing on paper just won’t really fulfill.
Song of the entry: Gone Are The Days – HONNE