38. Make it stop.

Early morning entry why not.

Today I return to class after not going for a week and a half. I’m bound to be lectured by someone, some where along the road. I have been in a sense, irresponsible when it comes to school. This have just been so unexpectedly crazy, I haven’t been able to give it the attention it needs, or deserves. Now that court is done, and I have….will have some better income, the last big thing to worry about is this move. Things are getting better at snail speed, none the less getting better.

After class today focusing on cleaning up the house, getting a little more packed, and possibly starting to move things to my mothers. I would ideally like to be moved in by this weekend, how ever I still have more then half the house to pack, an entire basement and back bed room to sort through before I even pack it. I WILL BE DAMNED, if I continue to carry any more baggage around with me. Even after speaking to my land lord, and his offer to help me stay, I just can’t. I spent almost two years here with Antoinette, and I swear I can see the walls bleed in heart break. Rose’s, Ann’s, and mine. So much has happened in this house, and it holds almost nothing but terrible memories.  The past year’s hasn’t been terrible, but it just holds some bad times. Both between lovers, and friends. I really think leaving this place will help me finally let go, move on, forget all the things that are haunting me, along with draining me.

This house hasn’t felt like a home since Antoinette left, except for the brief time Ann was here. Even then it felt tainted. How was I going to move another woman into a house less then a year after Antoinette and I broke up, after spending 7 years together. We were suppose to live here when we got married, have our first child here. Then she burnt it all down, watching as it all crumbed to the ground. Then I falsely believed I could build something upon the still burning coals, with out the expectation of it burning as well. I was wrong. Oh, so wrong.

 

Since that Friday night I saw her at Long Horn, she crosses my mind a lot. Antoinette that is. It happens randomly, honestly I wish it would stop. I love her sisters, and her mother, I do still occasionally talk to them. However, my ties with them are becoming close to being severed. Seeing her face, it’s to much. It makes me hate her more, it makes me hate my self more, wonder what I did wrong, and why I was just never enough for her…even now..over a year later, she still dictates how I feel. It was to end. It’s just to much these days.

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