It’s been a strange day, My holiday from work started today… my first real holiday since March this year. I love my job but we all need a rest (don’t we), well at least I thought we did. I have loved spending today with my loved one, however with nothing to capture my attention and undivided focus (a prevalent aspect of my job), it has been far more of a challenge than I originally anticipated. I am due to visit hospital on Tuesday to meet my surgeon for the first time (an agonising 4 day wait from now). This is positive, and hopefully a step in the right direction, after waiting nearly 3 years to get to this stage…
I don’t think anyone actually understands how hard this is. For 3 years I’ve been pushing my case, to the doctors, the hospitals, anyone who cared to listen or give me the time of day, that there is something wrong with me, that my hip doesn’t work as it should, and that I certainly should not be in this much pain. You’d think I’d be bitter after all this time? No. The blame lies with no-one. I mean how can you fully understand something, someone, their day to day life, without going through it yourself?
Anyway as I was saying, today has been hard. It’s been the first day in a long time where I haven’t had to worry or fret about something. As a manager of a small business I pretty much work 24/7, as much as I love my job this is a fact. I always have something on my mind, that needs doing or fixing, something that takes my mind away from what’s to come, from my reality. Today has been different, my mind has been clear, nothing to do…nothing to fix… as a result all my brain can do is bring all my concerns to the forefront, pulling them forcefully away from my subconscious, dragging them to my immediate attention. My mind an empty wall… my apprehensions smeared over every inch, every crevasse of it. Anxiety hits, and I begin to panic.
Okay so maybe I am meeting the surgeon on Tuesday, maybe I am scared. The worst he can say is he “can’t fix me” (an almost impossible scenario), so why am I afraid? The uncertainty of what’s to come? Or maybe being taken out of a routine, and not by choice. I am so unsure, but however difficult and confusing, it’s been an amazing day. I have the most supportive other half and parents that anyone could wish for! Although at the same time, I cannot wait for it to be over… The thought of surgery at this stage doesn’t scare me…. But the thought of the unknown, and the thought of being lost again, does.
Step By Step