I should have left back then

Flashback 2012

I have decided to write to you because I am too angry to have this conversation.  I don’t think have ever experienced anger to the degree that I am going through now, where I feel that I will physically attack you without much provocation.   I cannot describe the anger…I feel it, it is all enveloping and absorbing, and I’m desperately looking for a place in my mind where I can find a bit of peace, but it is nowhere to be found.

I know that I need to calm down in order to make a rationale decision, but I’m not there yet.  I also know that I will, as I have the last 2 days, swing between anger and depression, but above all, I need to think about the girls.

I will get to conclusions later but go with the flow, there’s a lot I need to say.

The time you came home and told me that you had slept with a barmaid, you broke my heart.  I don’t think that you are aware of the depths of despair that I went through then, and how even years later I could recall the feeling in a heartbeat.   How every time you tell me you never cheated on me, and there’s never been another woman for you – my first thought automatically goes back to that night.  I had to face the world and pretend I was fine, even though I was falling apart.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life.

And when I remind you of it when you say that you’ve never cheated, you brush it off like it doesn’t matter, like it was inconsequential.  And I guess, in reflection that I have never put two and two together because I wanted to believe you, and as a result I have never realised how easily you lie, and that it probably WAS inconsequential for you.  I guess I’m just a fucking idiot who used to believe your bullshit about how you’re the first one to go to bed at conference, and about how all the people in your company irritate you at conference, and how you will be spending dreary night after night on the cruise ship, by yourself, in your single room, because it will be just toooooooo boring.  Yawn.    

I can still remember lying on the bathroom floor in a foetal position that night thinking that I just wanted to die.  I never told you, but I was always worried about you sleeping around and so I made sure that I had sex with you on the night before you left on that trip, so when you came home and told me that it destroyed a lot of foundations for me.  I no longer have that fear, I realised that you would do it anyway, it wasn’t a lack of sex, it was something else you were looking for. 

Anyway, I know I got blamed for you sleeping around, because you were so hurt and confused by me leaving you for a little while years ago, and that it was actually my fault, and because you (who are asleep when I leave home, at home most of the day, and are in bed before me, and who the girls never ask anything of because you moan at them if they do) have to cook and clean and pick up dog poop.  So, now I’m interested to know….is this still part of that?  Is this still payback because you are hurt and confused by me leaving you years ago…  and because you have to pick up dog shit? Or is there a new reason?

I even remember then how you told me that you didn’t orgasm because you stopped in the middle of everything and told the barmaid that you couldn’t carry on.  It wasn’t difficult for me to track her down seeing as that she was messaging you, and when I phoned her and we discussed it, and I told her that she laughed, and told me that you had really enjoyed yourself and that you had lied to me – never told you that did I? 

My heart never ever recovered from that, and I never ever felt the same way about you after that either.  I am absolutely heartbroken now again, but this time I no longer will buy the reason that anything that I have been accused for in the past has anything to do with this.  It is all you, and always has been, it is the decisions you make, you just like throwing the blame because then it is not your fault. 

You say you are sorry, but I would like to know exactly what it is that you are sorry for – Are you sorry that you hurt me? Are you sorry that you went to a strip club?  Are you sorry that you spent so much money on hookers?

This from a man who insists that he never goes to places like this, and said that he couldn’t believe people wasted their money on strippers.  This from a man who likes hanging around with John because John doesn’t go to strip clubs when everybody else does.  Weird huh?  Guess John becomes a different person when I’m around, because with you he is soooooo innocent.

I personally think that the only thing you are sorry for is that you were caught out – you were prepared to lie to me when you came home, in fact you were completely arrogant about it, and in retaliation I was accused of screwing around on Saturdays because I am never at home in the day. 

I had anticipated that by the next morning you would probably realise that the logic that I had put together had some merit, and that you would need to acknowledge that you had been there, and lo and behold I was right – but being the conniving manipulative bitch that I am, instead of attacking you outright, I wanted to see if you would tell me the whole truth, so I led you into the trap slowly.

So your first lie was that you didn’t go to any strip club (that was on Thursday morning when you got home at 3) and by 9am you changed your story to the fact that you went to a pub and had only gone to the strip club for a little while.  I let you lie, because I wanted to see how much of the truth you would tell me, and you failed.  This also leaves me with the conclusion that very little of what you have ever said to me is true – the McDonalds parking lot till 3 in the morning, sitting with Paul in the shops parking lot because he was depressed – fucking bullshit.   So where were you those nights?

Where have you been every other night when you’ve been out with Paul?  Those Friday afternoon drinking sessions?

So to get back to Thursday morning…

Your lie that you went to the pub for a little while remains pathetic. You left home at 11.33 – by 11.51 you had already paid  for 2 lap dances and bought drinks for the hookers. That is 18 minutes later – so it must have been a fucking very quick pub visit, even without considering the travelling time.

You walked in when you thought I was sleeping, and washed yourself off in the basin …which  indicates to me that she either masturbated you to a finish, that you managed to have sex with her or that you came in your pants….which one is it?  And don’t automatically choose the last one because it appears the lesser of the evils, because then I have more questions.

You also brushed your teeth for an excessive amount of time, so what was that about…want to tell me, or let me guess?

So today you tell me that you thought I was fine with you going.  When did I ever say it was fine for you to go? When did I ever say it was fine to spend a fortune on strippers?  When did I ever say it was ok for me to support the household and not buy myself anything, and for you to feed your appetite by taking money out of the bond?

And yet you thought I would be fine with this?  I want to see any man being happy when the roles are reversed, with his wife going to a place where naked men are masturbating in front of them, and sticking their cocks in their faces and rubbing their cocks against  their vagina’s and taking them to a private room to get them to cum.  You fucking hypocrite… in what fucking sick world does this make sense.

I have to wonder what your daughters would say about this, and especially the oldest one who passionately believes that men like you and your friends take advantage of the dehumanisation and degradation of these woman.  A real proud daddy moment.

So back to Wednesday night at 11.33:

You could see I was angry when you left home, and yet you were fucking determined to go.  I knew the minute you walked out the door exactly where you were going.  I am not stupid and neither am a naïve or ignorant, so don’t ever make that mistake about me again.  You were already drinking at home, in fact you had been drinking for quite a while, so it definitely was not alcohol you left for.  You wilfully and deliberately ignored my feelings and walked out of there to DELIBERATELY go to a strip club, for absolutely no other reason.  That is the bottom line – a deliberate and conscientious choice was made by you.

It has however become clear to me that I don’t know you at all.  So the only conclusion then is that I have never been good enough for you – not back then, and certainly not now, and that what you are looking for is never going to be fulfilled by what you have at home or by what I can offer you.

As I said to you this morning, you complain about money, about buying food, always moaning that there is never enough in the house, that I need to shop differently.  I’m the one that supports that house with the exception of a handful of things.  I’m the one that pays for the girls clothes, entertainment, weekends away.  I’m the one that drives the 2nd hand car because I can’t afford a new one.  You are the one that drives the fancy BMW and spends hours on the phone outside the patio talking to God knows who and can afford to spend a significant amount of money on hookers.  Clearly I feel abused and used and something is desperately wrong with this picture.

You certainly did not look sorry either yesterday or this morning, until you realised how angry I was, and in fact this morning you were still on the ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ and ‘I thought you trusted me’ story. 

The truth is that I have never trusted you for a very long time – from when you started lying to me in our first house about the playboy magazines in the garage, and about stopping smoking when you never did, and when you fucked the barmaid and lied about finishing the job – I stopped trusting you completely.

So, when you say ‘you’ve done nothing wrong’ I guess that you were sitting there with your hand over your eyes not staring at cunts in your face, not buying drinks for hookers, not going into a cubicle and getting a lapdances?  So yes, I can see how you’ve done nothing wrong – well done.

So no, in answer to my question – you’re not sorry you went – you are sorry you were caught.

While we are on confessions – you will probably have seen that in a moment of anger I deleted your girlfriend Belinda from your BBM contacts.  The reason I did that is because I noticed that she BBM’d you the other day, but that you deleted her conversation because you did not want me to see that you were still communicating if I looked at your phone.  You see deceit and deception are not always about verbal words, they are in your actions as well.

I never want to hear that bullshit that you talk about with other people again – the meaningless empty words about how you love your family and your wife so much and how I have made you a better person.  If this is the person that I have turned you into, I am sorry – it doesn’t make me proud.  Unless of course that is a strategy of yours to appear caring and family orientated.

The thing that plays over and over in my head as I struggle to gain clarity in order to make a decision is when the Youngest one was sobbing her eyes out a couple of months ago when you walked in and announced to us all that you were leaving and we were getting a divorce, and saying to me in between her sobs ‘I don’t want to come from a broken home’.  I stayed for my children last time, and I need to figure out if I can do it again.

If you however want to make a decision before I do, then that is your right and I will not stop you from going and living the life that you want to.

I just know however, no matter what decision I make, that I trust you even less than I have ever before, that I do not want you touching me and that I will never again feel the same way about you or believe a word that you say, and that is not a very good foundation for any relationship.

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