I am nervous and scared today. I don’t know what is bringing all of this on. I am questioning myself in my mind constantly. Why am I here? Why did I move? Why? What was I thinking? What is wrong with me? I am so scared. I have no reason for all this increase in anxiety. Nothing has happened to bring it on. I have a good solid job now, I have my certification, I am making friends and meeting my neighbors- things are far better than they were in March, but I feel so scared. I really need to find myself a better therapist. The one I have is not helping. We go in circles. She doesn’t remember stuff I’ve already told her.
I miss my dog so much. I don’t know what Noah is doing.
I have made some new friends, but I am already thinking that they will find boyfriends, then maybe a husband, and then I will be alone again. Just like in Kentucky. In 2012, I had friends to do stuff with, then they all found someone and I was alone again. I know that will happen again. I don’t know how or why I have gotten to this place where I will always be alone, but that’s where I am. I have always been damaged because of my childhood, but I was still able to find someone to have a relationship with- not any more. Not since Craig. That has been 7 years ago, and it was a bad relationship at that. I think I will be like my grandmothers and be alone for the rest of my life. My Mamaw Virginia couldn’t have been older than me when she divorced the 2nd time, and she was alone for the rest of her life- not even a date. I think that is my future. I think that is my present. I keep going to dates to no avail. I have a date tomorrow. The whole process is so stupid. Men think they are far better looking than they really are- they think too highly of themselves and the ones my age with a decent job think they should be dating 26 year old super models. That leaves the dregs for me. I keep reading and hearing that the way to be a happy person is by making connections and having strong relationships- friendships and otherwise, but sometimes I just want to withdraw from all of it. I don’t want to talk to or try to meet anyone. I am sick of answering the same questions to every person I meet. I am just sick of it. “why did you move to new york?” How many times have I answered that one? I am freaking the fuck out today.