I am a little stronger than yesterday. Going out to see Christine last evening was good for me. It made me feel better. I was really deep in anxiety yesterday. When I get like that, I try to think about what would make me feel better. I imagine different scenarios in my head. I thought about going back to Lexington and buying a traditional house and living and working there again. Buying all the furniture I would need and filling up a house again. I don’t know. Right now, I have to focus on what is real and what has to happen. I need to give 100% into this school year and being the very best New York City teacher I can be. I don’t know right now what is going to happen. I don’t know if I am going to stay here. I just don’t know. I feel really scared and unsure of myself- that makes me want to go back to what I know- Lexington. I need to make myself remember how unhappy I was there- and how that unhappiness drove me to make this move in the first place. I need to remember that I was hurting so badly there that I thought my only option was to end my life. I was seeing myself as so completely damaged that I couldn’t see any way that my life was worth continuing. My line of thinking was that every time I had gotten myself off in the ditch before, I had figured out a way to get things lined out and back up on the road. In 2016, my life seemed so far off course, so deep in the ditch, that I just couldn’t make it out. I kept going on horrible dates. My friends are all coupled up now and when I was included, it was as a third or fifth wheel, which always sucks. I felt like an outsider there- like I didn’t belong, really.
I miss my dog and my son so deeply that it gives me physical pain to think about it. I don’t know how to be an adult. My parents were so completely fucked up and have screwed me up to the point that I am a walking fucking disaster. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I started a technique after Craig and I broke up back in 2010 or so to try to make myself feel better. I would think about what things do I need in my life for me to consider it perfect- what would have to happen for me to be 100% happy, and I would make a list of what needed to happen. Sometimes doing this and looking at the list would make me feel better- less hopeless and overwhelmed. I would think about what I could do to make the things on that list happen. One of the things on the list right now would be money- if I won the lottery (which I never play, so I can’t possibly actually win), I feel like 99% of my issues would go away. I worry every day if my move has wrecked my retirement- I’m afraid to even say that out loud. I worry about wasting my money paying rent- throwing money away on rent instead of paying a mortgage on something that will be mine- almost all my shit is money related- if I could live my life with zero money worries- I knew I was secure, I think every decision would be so much easier. I think it would change my whole demeanor. Being poor sucks. Worrying about money sucks. I worry about retirement every day. I have actually thought about the fact that if I had no way to take care of myself when I am no longer able to work, I could commit a crime that would send me to prison so I would have a place to live and food to eat. Who the hell thinks something like that? That’s my retirement plan- prison. Or I have also thought that when I get to the point that I can’t work and take care of myself, I could just kill myself at that point. So my choices are either suicide or go to prison when I get old.
I wish I could just be normal and not worry so much about every single thing. I am a goddam basket case.