Friday August 18th

I am a little stronger than yesterday. Going out to see Christine last evening was good for me. It made me feel better. I was really deep in anxiety yesterday. When I get like that, I try to think about what would make me feel better. I imagine different scenarios in my head. I thought about going back to Lexington and buying a traditional house and living and working there again. Buying all the furniture I would need and filling up a house again. I don’t know. Right now, I have to focus on what is real and what has to happen. I need to give 100% into this school year and being the very best New York City teacher I can be. I don’t know right now what is going to happen. I don’t know if I am going to stay here. I just don’t know.  I feel really scared and unsure of myself- that makes me want to go back to what I know- Lexington. I need to make myself remember how unhappy I was there- and how that unhappiness drove me to make this move in the first place. I need to remember that I was hurting so badly there that I thought my only option was to end my life. I was seeing myself as so completely damaged that I couldn’t see any way that my life was worth continuing. My line of thinking was that every time I had gotten myself off in the ditch before, I had figured out a way to get things lined out and back up on the road. In 2016, my life seemed so far off course, so deep in the ditch, that I just couldn’t make it out. I kept going on horrible dates. My friends are all coupled up now and when I was included, it was as a third or fifth wheel, which always sucks. I felt like an outsider there- like I didn’t belong, really. 

I miss my dog and my son so deeply that it gives me physical pain to think about it. I don’t know how to be an adult. My parents were so completely fucked up and have screwed me up to the point that I am a walking fucking disaster. I don’t know what to do with myself. 

I started a technique after Craig and I broke up back in 2010 or so to try to make myself feel better. I would think about what things do I need in my life for me to consider it perfect- what would have to happen for me to be 100% happy, and I would make a list of what needed to happen. Sometimes doing this and looking at the list would make me feel better- less hopeless and overwhelmed. I would think about what I could do to make the things on that list happen. One of the things on the list right now would be money- if I won the lottery (which I never play, so I can’t possibly actually win), I feel like 99% of my issues would go away. I worry every day if my move has wrecked my retirement- I’m afraid to even say that out loud. I worry about wasting my money paying rent- throwing money away on rent instead of paying a mortgage on something that will be mine- almost all my shit is money related- if I could live my life with zero money worries- I knew I was secure, I think every decision would be so much easier. I think it would change my whole demeanor.  Being poor sucks. Worrying about money sucks. I worry about retirement every day. I have actually thought about the fact that if I had no way to take care of myself when I am no longer able to work, I could commit a crime that would send me to prison so I would have a place to live and food to eat. Who the hell thinks something like that? That’s my retirement plan- prison. Or I have also thought that when I get to the point that I can’t work and take care of myself, I could just kill myself at that point. So my choices are either suicide or go to prison when I get old. 

I wish I could just be normal and not worry so much about every single thing. I am a goddam basket case.

2 thoughts on “Friday August 18th”

  1. Glad you felt better after seeing Christine. Your worries sound heavy. Money is Always a big one for the vast majority of us. You will have a place to live when you can’t take care of yourself anymore—a nursing home. They are not as horrible as people make out. I visit one every Sunday. It is not a fancy up-town one, either. The people are friends and talk and enjoy programs and visitors. But enough of that. Jesus said, “Don’t worry about the future, because the future will worry for itself.” I imagine he had a smile on his face saying that. He also said, “In this world you Will have tribulations, but be of good cheer—I have overcome the world.” Let Him overcome your personal world and make it better. Talk to Him. He will Always listen and love you and help you. Hugs!

  2. I have thought of the jail or prison scenario also. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one out there with the same worries & thoughts. Anxiety, PTSD, fucked up childhoods – the absolute worst. I always feel like I am one step out of sync with everyone else because I didn’t have good examples in parents/family life/total childhood chaos/abuse/etc. I have no good answers. I just keep plugging along in constant anxiety – I sometimes don’t think I will make it or I feel so lonely. I look forward to reading your journal because it let’s me know that there is someone else out there that with similar circumstances. I really admire your big move to NYC – I am too chicken/paralyzed/whatever to make a big change in my life.

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP