My addiction

Hi… I’m Bruce and I’m a sex addict.  If you’d asked me 42 days ago if I believed in sex addiction I would have laughed and said “hell no”.  And when we all stop laughing at Anthony Weiner and his name and sexting, I remember….. he did it and got caught.  He did it again and got caught.  He did it again and got caught and lost his wife, his job and his life.  He could not stop.  

There is no good addiction; they’re all negative.  We addicts have a sort of mental illness and we are driven by our compulsions.  I spent so many many hours on online porn.  Every free moment was either on a computer or my phone, looking at XXX videos.  Only adult stuff, I promise.  I’m sick, but not that sick.  

So I’m going to journal my way through this.  If I have any followers, that’s great.  If I don’t, I’ll journal anyway.  If you do follow me, I am no kind of expert on the subject matter.  I am just another addict trying to let my higher power take control of something that was overwhelmingly out of my control.  

The absolutely worst part of my compulsive addiction to inappropriate online activity is how I injured my wife.  She is the single greatest thing that ever happened to me.  I felt and still feel a soulful connection to her, “when two shall become as one”.  We were that.  I love my siblings, especially my sister, and I’m crazy about my grown son and daughter and my two little toddler granddaughters.  But there is no one I have ever been closer with than my wife of almost 33 years.  No one.  That I hurt her, damaged her, is something of which I am so terribly ashamed.  I’ll never forgive myself.  

So I’ve been going to 12 step meetings almost every day, both in person and telephone meetings, and I am seeing an addiction specialist therapist weekly and with whom I connect daily.  I have a sponsor and call him every day, and I call two other guys almost every day as well.  I installed parental blocking software on my phone and computer, gave my estranged wife all my email passwords and phone unlock code.  

Tomorrow, she is permitting me to go with her to see her surgeon who removed a tumor from her tongue last summer.  It’s an hour and a half drive each way and we will have lunch, so this is a pretty big deal.  

Having said that, my focus now is on healing me.  Getting my shit together and working on a program that will last the rest of my life.  Physical intimacy for me is over now, even with my wife should she ever permit me back in her bed.  So I work now on the emotional and spiritual intimacy and hope like hell that I just one day get to lie in bed and hold her.  Nothing more; just hold her and feel her every breath.  

Thank you for joining me.  

 

3 thoughts on “My addiction”

  1. I hope with you that one day you can lie beside your wife and feel her heartbeat. You are trying so hard. I know you’ll succeed in licking this addiction. Life can be good again. I hope it will! God bless you.

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