What is He telling me?

I read through my last post and so much has changed since then. That’s not a bad thing, but I think it’s kind of a shock to see how passionate I was about something months ago and now I am on to something else. I failed my certification exam… boo. I was really disappointed but in my heart I knew I could have studied longer and harder, but it was still a huge disappointment and I have not built up the energy to restudy and take the exam again.

So, I still work as a fitness instructor without a certification. It’s not a huge deal, I just know I would feel more proud and worthy if I had completed a certification. After I failed the exam, I immediately started to study to retake it but was stressing about the cost of the exam. They don’t let you retake it for free. I put it on hold for a while, trying to decide if it was worth it to me. 

Eventually, I felt so bored and unsure about life I considered dropping out of school and going to a community college for dental assistance. It would suck to go from a bachelors degree to an associates degree, but I feel so burnt out with school right now and am not even looking forward to anything.

My dad, once again, suggested I join the military because it would give me new perspective on life and a change to travel. The fact that I chose the military over school definitely should tell you how lost and purposeless I feel. Nevertheless, I felt a movement in my heart and soul, knowing a new adventure might be around the corner. So I agreed to visit the recruiter station and here I am week later, waiting for the approval from MEPS. 

I prayed hard about this, walking up to alter alone and getting down on my knees to pray. I know that God always wants me to choose my next adventure. He always has something bigger and better planned, I feel like He is telling me that this is my chance for bigger and better. I really believe that, even though I fear disappointment. I am afraid that I won’t be approved to join the air force and then what…? That’s my back up plan and what if that fails? I will have already missed the deadline for school. I will have to take a semester off and feel shame for telling so many of my friends and family that the military is what I wanted.

I wanted to be a fitness instructor and pass my exam, but God had other plans. I chose to the military path, and what He has other plans? What if I am putting all my energy and hopes in this for nothing? I know it won’t really be for nothing, because God always has something planned. I just wish I wasn’t feeling so anxious about everything. I FEEL like this is the right choice. My heart is willing to listen to God and He is communicating with me through vibes I feel all over my body. I think this is the best choice for me. 

I am so used to the feeling of “trying too hard”. This whole journal is full of me trying too hard. I try too hard to make other people see my worth, see that I am worth the time. I try too hard to make this work when they are not supposed to. This time, I am waiting for the feeling of ease. Things that are meant to happen should not be difficult. I might to need to work hard or put myself out of my comfort zone, but I shouldn’t have to force it. I shouldn’t have to force myself to sit down and study material I am not really interested in learning. I am interesting in teaching people about fitness because I know a lot of things already from my own experience.

I know not everyone is accepted into the military, but I most people who are healthy, willing, and able make it through and I know deep down I can go the distance. God is always by my side and will carry me through deep waters ( Basic training, lol). Already things are going pretty smoothly, but it is on my mind all the time. The what if’s. The struggles I might face. They overwhelm my mind constantly, and maybe that’s a good thing. It’s just hard because I can’t sleep when all I am thinking about is the process. 

For some reason, I could not go to sleep last night. I had these quick dreams about weird things, like my nephews who I never see and another where I was trying to type something out but everything I thought I finished a sentence, I would look up and it would say something completely different. Nothing note worthy but still. And Wes kept talking in his sleep which is weird because he never does that. He said, “That’s true”.  

Currently, I am at work because no one showed up for Pilates. I also had to be here early for personal training and even she was late. Now I have an hour until water aerobics, and then I have to rush home early to pick Wes up because we are going kayaking with dad and his new girlfriend. I’m not even changing out of my bathing suit because we have to be there by 12:30. I didn’t tell Jess but I did the cleaning and I was here an hour early. Oh well. 

Monday, Mom and I are leaving for Washington. I’m super pumped because it’s a spontaneous trip for me. She told me she was going and I told her to take me with her. She thought I was joking but I said I could get someone to cover my shift Wednesday. So she booked me a flight and we will be there around 10 am on Monday! If everything with military goes okay, I will be doing so much traveling which makes me so happy. I’ll miss Wes and Dot and the family, but I need to do my own thing. I need to follow my heart and cross stuff off on my bucket list! 

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