Down Time

“If your grandfather hadn’t worn it, you wouldn’t exist. Experience the clean, masculine scent of Old Spice.”

Sometimes it’s scary thinking about not existing.

I woke up today and a smelled more than usual. That’s what happens when I stay at Mema’s. There’s no air conditioning in the room a sleep in, so all I have is a crappy black fan and a bed that makes my back hurt. My back’s been starting to hurt more these days. I even had to buy an acupressure mat to deal with the pain. I was talking to my aunt about my back pain and she had me pull on my skin and try to touch my toes. She told me I had signs of EDS. I immediately thought flexible and told her I couldn’t even do the splits and she said that she could never do the splits either.

I remember looking up EDS and seeing a boy moving forearm behind his elbow. That made me shudder. No way in hell I could do that.

So I resign myself to skepticism.

Fawn (my aunt) has made me skeptical in a lot of ways. She claims she has psychic powers and could talk to god. She told me that one night she dreamt that Summer (my cousin) got raped at Medieval Times. Apparently, the following day Mema showed her a coupon for Medieval Times and asked if her and Rainy wanted to go. My guess is that since Medieval Times was having a sale, she may have heard about it from someone else, forgot about it, then had a dream about it. Anybody can tell you that she has really bad memory. She also claims that god tells her when Rainy does bad things.

Is that so? Well, I didn’t need a god to find out the shit Summer does. And guess what? You don’t know the half of it.

Some of these psychic anecdotes are too easy to poke holes in. There was this one psychic on The Real Housewives of Orange County that said that this one dude Vicki was dating, Brooks, may not have cancer. Let me rephrase that: he said he didn’t see anything. So he was already being pretty vague.

Now about Brooks. He didn’t have cancer. He was faking it for attention. Now how could of the psychic possibly have suspected this.

Oh, I don’t know. Vicki is extremely public about her personal life (especially on social media) and is on a god damn “reality” TV show for Christ’s sake. She was especially public about her new boyfriend. And any dipshit with two brain cells can look him up and see that not one but two prior girlfriends have accused him of faking cancer.

But enough about Fawn and psychics and reality TV. Let’s talk about Summer.

She’s my best friend, and she’s a bit strange. She thinks the murderer guy from No Country for Old Men is sexy (you know, the coin toss guy). In fact, that’s all she talked about during the movie. Safe to say she wasn’t enjoying it all that much. She and Fawn get in fights all the time. Every time I come over there’s some fight.

Surprisingly, last time I was at her house, we got into a fight. I saw that weird second side to her that has never been directed at me.

Let me explain the first side. She can be a bit of a pushover, and she’s pretty shy. I remember getting really irritated when she was taking shit from this one girl named Kendall. Kendall was an asshole. She thought being offended gave her the right to treat people like shit. She’d tell everybody about how terrible her parents were and how they sent her to a mental hospital for having sex. She’d talk about her suicide attempts.

Which is awful, but it doesn’t mean she gets bully people and punch people and be an ass to her boyfriend. She talks about their sex life in public after he explicitly tells her not to. She makes fun of people for praying.

Well, I do too. But I would never do it to somebody’s face as long as they were minding their own business.

She’s an attention whore, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a narcissist. Like, a legit one with the disorder.

She punched Summer. I forgot exactly why but she had a stupid reason. I tell you later when I remember. I’ve nicknamed her Rainy’s two-year-old abusive psychic vampire boyfriend.

Alright. I’ll end that tangent for now. About how much my pits smelled. I when to the bathroom with my bag and opened it. I forgot to pack any clothes. When I situation like this arises, I get my deodorant and rub it all over my shirt and bra. And pits. I forgot to bring my deodorant so I stole some Old Spice from the cabinet. I remember hearing somewhere that the difference between men and women’s deodorant is negligible and that companies would charge women more because they were willing to pay more.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad or anything. Marketing folks.

The Old Spice smelled nice so I’d be willing to buy that instead of women’s deodorant if it costed less. I looked online to see how much it costed. A value pack of two 3 oz. sticks is $3.97. I then checked the women’s deodorant and found a 2.3 oz. stick for $1.95.

It’s safe to say I’m getting Old Spice (that’s when I start having to buy my own deodorant).

After I was done contemplating that I did my math homework. Let’s just say it was awful. When I was finished I had a little over one and a half chocolate chip cookies. That’s a little over 80 calories. Then I had a fruit smoothie. That was 320 calories. I’m at 400 calories now and it’s almost six.

You thought I’d forget. To be more specific, I’m aiming for 450 calories on down days and 1800 on up days. Though I’m less concerned about the up days.

After I ate, my dad and I watched Seinfeld. We watched every episode on On Demand besides the clip show ones. When we were finished, I asked him if he wanted to play magic. He told me he wanted to take a nap.

He has an erratic sleep schedule. Something to do with sleep apnea and his hypothalamus.

That reminds me. I’m kinda tired. Sleepy even. I got eleven hours of sleep and have only been up for seven hours. I’ve been pretty tired recently (maybe for a month or so) and on top of that I’ve barely eaten today. My stomach is growling.

Maybe I’m having a growth spurt. That sounds like a perfect time to fast.

I just realized now that I forgot to tell you about the second side of Rainy. But I think I’ll sleep first.

Good night-

Wait. My dad’s calling me.

When I come in, he shows me a map. It was a map of where I drove last night. He wants me to know my surroundings better. He tells me we’ll drive further tonight. Overcome with the need to sleep, I asked him if we could drive now to get it over with. He told me he couldn’t because he was going to pick up a pizza in a few minutes.

God. Damn it. Goddamit.

Stomach grumbling, I asked him if it was cheese. I only eat cheese, so I was hoping he’d say no so that I wouldn’t be tempted.

It was cheese.

I asked him where it was from. Rosati’s. 12″ thin crust. According to this thing I just looked up, there are 237 calories in one piece of a 12″ thin crust pizza. A whole pizza is 1904 calories.

Good. I’ll just eat it for my up day tomorrow. Yeah. I’ll just do that. Tell your dad you aren’t hungry now and go to sleep. You can do it future Joie!

Pizza’s here.

I went down there and told my dad I was going to bed. After having one slice. It burned my tongue but it felt so good. Weird enough, one piece was enough to satiate me. I remember somebody saying that the alternate day diet made their appetite decrease. I wonder if that’s happening to me.

637 calories today. Not bad I guess. It could have been 400 if my dad hadn’t decided to order something so delicious.

I’ll have to get used to that.

Good night! Hopefully.

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