Journal Entry #38 (#35 all over again and Resistance is Futile)

 I’m in the same predicament as my 35th entry. I stay up longer than I intend and then I end up regretting it as my dad springs some impromptu news about something involving my brothers and I’s room. Once again we need to clean it (though it’s funny cause we’ve had ample time to; we’re just procrastinators) within a short deadline, which is fine. But, once again, my brothers have just gone to sleep and my dad heavily implied that I was going to have to wake them up.

To give more background, my dad hired a cleaning lady a couple of weeks ago. I forgot her name immediately after she introduced herself, as I’m horrible with anything social. I don’t know why he hired a maid, as CJ and I have been doing our best to take care of the house, but he seems to do that everywhere he lives. I guess she’s going to be cleaning every square inch of our house, as he said she’s coming in our room to clean…for some reason. I’m looking around now and I can’t see how she’ll clean our room. At least, not without moving things around and putting everything into bins or something.

See, this is why I hate cleaning. You’re forced to rearrange everything. The point is our things are as we like them.  In this current situation, a stranger is coming in our room and is going to be moving shit around; without our permission (because whatever my dad says is final and he says that our room is going to get cleaned).

I dunno. I’m not sure what this rant is even about anymore. I’m so mad and stressed about so many things all of the time. My life being one of them. I’m supposed to be taking a GED thing to get prepared for college, but I dropped out of school in the middle of my high school sophomore year. From that time until now, my intelligence has decreased very noticeably. I find myself having trouble with anything math-related, my writing/handwriting is shitty…

I just…feel so powerless all of the time. Like I’m just sitting in the back seat of my life, watching helplessly as it drives itself. Nothing is in my control. I’m being guided against my will to a hopeless future. Everything is predetermined. Despair is my finality. I cannot do anything but wait for the end, to see where this all will lead.

I’m afraid of what’s going to happen.

I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to me.

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