Lets just jump in head first.

Well, im not going to beat around the bush here. This is what kicked my ass into starting this journal thing.

I am completely in love with somebody who doesnt exist. Now im not taking like anime or books or any of that crap. 

I few nights ago i had one of my terribly realistic vivid dreams, and in this dream, me and a group of “friends” were on a road trip to the ocean. Nothing in paticular stuck out as weird until reaching the ocean. 

Once we got there. I started to freak out because it looked like a giant wave was headding for the beach. They told me its just the way the ocean looks. I stayed in an hightened sense of anxiety for a while, eventually calming down when we got lunch. 

Me and a friend, apparently named Chelsey, went to the bathroom/showers. Well when when i pushed opened the stall door, there was a guy in there showering, i apologized and went to run out, but i got lost. Its like the area turned into a maze, and i ran back into the guy(now dressed), i was crying and freaking out. He started hugging me and running fingers through my hair, telling me it was ok and that i was safe. 

The moment i smelled his cologne i relaxed and felt like i knew him. He kissed me and then started singing, i just listened to him sing and when he was done, i woke up gasping for air and feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest.

I have been feel so disoriented and lost since. My heart aches and this sucks. Ive dreamt about this guy 4 times now over the past couple of years, and he doesnt look familar to me in the least. Everytime i wake up feeling so disoriented and almost heartbroken. 

Im not really trying to find an explanation to this. It just helps to get it off my chest. Im never sure how to deal with with these stupid lingering emotions. 

3 thoughts on “Lets just jump in head first.”

  1. Girl. I would not call it a metal disorder. I thank the universe for taking me to this post. you have no idea how much one desire to have a figure like yours in their lives. For years now, I have been wanting to love someone, to have that heightened desire for someone, even if that person does not exist. True, hes not real in the way we all can agree and accept. The thing is, no matter what, you cant lose him. You will always have him. I hope I make sense. If i were you, I would find a way to savor such love.

  2. I do appreciate what you have to say, and i do understand what you mean. I know thats not a mental disorder. Its just me venting more than anything. I do suffer from PTSD, DID, and severe anxiety. My therapist actually suggested a way to keep track of my thoughts, regardless of what they are. I just find this whole thing odd since im genuinely happily married with kids.

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