open letter to sister (aries)

to the only person i’ll never forget, and the only woman i’ll ever love. i just want you to happy. i want you to keep living your life. and i want to just move on with mine. but i can’t. it’s not something i can do. not for a lack of trying. i don’t expect you to understand or approve. or to ever read this, for that matter. i can’t ever make it up to you. but i wish you knew i wanted to. you’ve done such a good job distancing yourself from me that i honestly don’t know what’s going on in your life. i don’t think i’d even know right away if something bad happened. despite all the stupid fantasies and daydreams i have of you randomly showing up and working everything out with me, i know that this is just how it’s going to be. i’m going to spend the rest of my worthless life hung up on you. i can’t even kill myself because i have no idea how or if it would affect you. my relationships don’t work. it’s too difficult to pretend i care about people. and even when i get along with them, i can’t stop thinking of you. i wish you would talk to me. even if only to belittle me. i don’t even remember what you sound like. i know it’s petty, but not knowing anything tears me up. i can’t explain it. but it isn’t nice. i can’t change this. i can’t go anywhere and i can’t do anything. i would become a different person if i knew how. but i don’t. only one thing has meant anything in my life, and it’s the one thing i’ll never see again. i know i’m not as smart as you. not as attractive or fun. i know i have no motivation outside of you and frankly, am pretty much useless if i’m not having fun. but you should know nobody will ever love you as much as i do. i’ve dedicated my existence to you even as you try to forget i exist. i would die for you. kill for you. i can go into the dark places you’ve never let others see. i’m not perfect. but neither are you. you’ll never even give me a chance. but i’d be waiting the day you did.

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