Day 10

Ahhh I haven’t written in for every so I decided to write now. Well there is a reason I feel horriable. I feel nausea I feel like im going to throw up. I have  pit in my throat like I just want to throw up and I do not know why. I slept fantastic which is great. I will get into that more later but right now I hate the feeling of it. I don’t know what is causing this. I just feel like something is wrong. But its the same symptoms nothing has change just that I am nausea this morning. So going to the doctor is not going to change anything. She just going to say its normal but its not. So why waste the time and go. So in a few weeks I got to the gynecologist so at least that is one thing I can check off my list that nothing is wrong. My monthlys are fine. They are about the same each month. Every other month it maybe one day longer than the next but hey who cant complain about that. So we see. Wow im feeling a little bit better just from writing.

So to update on what is going on. So about a 2 weeks ago I could not fall asleep for the life of me. I would take my anxiety meds but it stopped working to put me to sleep.  So I went like a week getting 5 or less hours of sleep. Nothing would help. Not taking a nap in the middle of the day. But it still was not working. So my cousins girlfriend said to take my ambien well I didn’t want to take that unless I really needed to so my husband said try taking melatoin so that’s what I did I took it for two days straight and man did that work. I feel amazing.  I was still tired during the day but once I got to moving and did some things it was fine. Also I hadn’t had to take my anxiety meds for a few days too after than I took it again on Thursday because Danica started pre K. She did wonderfully. She loves her teachers. There was NO CRYING from any of us.  Well okay Mady cried but that was because she didn’t want to leave. Danica was so happy to see me too. She got to play playdough so shes good to go.  Now she did have a melt down because she wanted to keep playing playdough but it was time to clean up so we have to work on that.  My nausea is going to get worst here in a second my husband is making coffee and that really screws me up 🙁 So I don’t know. Im sitting here trying to think on why this is happening but nothing is worrying me. My mom has a friend over for the week so other than that everything is fine. Yeah tomorrow starts the full week of school for Danica but  know she is going to be fine.  It is my moms birthday week but why start now being sick. Im so over this. No wonder I don’t eat a lot I just lose the nutrients because of the nausea. So since I was taking care of my dad I went from 111 lbs to 105 from November-June. Which isn’t bad but it is..But with what I was going through during those months my doctor wasn’t upset about it.  But according to mine, my sisters and my inlaws Im back up to 110 lbs ish. So if I remember to my parents have a scale like the ones at the doctors so I will check that out tomorrow. I do not know what im going to do when im in Disney I have good days and I have bad days and I have a feeling that Im going to have more bad days than good. That I know its all in my head. I know that but I just wish that this will go away. Why do I have to go through this. Why cant I just cope with stuff the “Normal way” not being sick not having to take pills just to get me through the day. I just hate this feeling. They finally cleaned up my dads plot.  It was looking bad and  told my husband that if its not done by moms birthday I was going to take the four bags of dirt that we had and go get grass seed and do it my self.  Well last week they did it.  I think they do it grass seeds like once a month.  Because every plot that was open with in the last month had fresh dirt and grass seeds down. So I think that’s what they do.. I don’t know if im upset because Im not going to the cemetery today. Which I normally do go on sundays the reason why Im not going is because I went on Friday. I need to start saving on gas. It takes me 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back and with Danica starting school and Im picking and taking her I need to start saving on gas. Im almost out anyways so I have to go and get some. So I don’t know. I just hate that he is missing so much stuff.  I know he is up there looking down and seeing what we are doing but he is missing physically what we are doing.  He is missing his job they gave it aleigha and that tore me apart not that she got it but because he is really gone.  I cried that day more sad and mad tears than happy tears because that was his job.  He is missing Colyns first days of middle school, Karsons first days of fourth grade, Danicas first days of pre K and Madysons days just in general.  Im just heart broken.  Ohhh I forgot to type this.  So there was a picture of Danica, Madyson and Dad that I took on June 4th of last year three months before he was diagnosis with kidney cancer again and I searched and searched for the picture because I wanted people to see him before he got sick.  Well I couldn’t find it.  I was so sad like I literally cried because I wanted that picture.  So that was one reason why I was not sleeping because I wanted this picture.  So one night during my non sleeping I was thinking about this picture well I remember that I took it with my iPhone so I was like it has to be on my icloud. So now I looked on my icloud account before on the ipad and it was not there. SO I was like ok well where could it be so I signed on to the computer and there it was. I cried I literally cried like omg…So I printed it and it was not turning out how it was suppose to so the nice girl at Walgreens helped me and got me on the right track…So when she called me the last time I asked her how much it was going to be for all the pictures even the ones that didn’t turn out and she said 3.00 ish so I said okay well I went and she only charged me 1.50 ish. I was so happy. Im making photo books for each house of different photos of my dad. Im not telling anybody im just going to do it and than just put it in their house and leave. LOL I don’t need to see tears its already hard enough. So we see. Well now im getting hungry so I guess I should go and find something to eat. lol

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