It’s that taboo subject..well at least it used to be. Now it’s this glorified thing that everyone is talking about and thinking about.
It’s something that is on my mind almost every minute of everyday but I don’t think I’d ever do anything about it. It’s a scary thing and it’s a dark mindset to be in alone.
I worry myself though. Thinking about the what could be’s. The what ifs.. would the world go on without me like usual? Would my friends miss me? Would my mom cry everyday thinking this was somehow her fault? Would my dad function ever again? Would my friends think about me.. I’d never know.
I tell myself it’s just thoughts.. everyone has them, but do they? Do most people think about cutting their wrists open when slicing fruit for their nephews, do most people wonder how long it would take to drown themselves, or how painful that would be? My answer is probably not.
I try to talk to people about the feelings. The thoughts. I am always afraid to be open about it and to actually talk about it. The looks on their faces, it’s enough to break my heart. It’s enough to make me stay even if I truly don’t want too.
Like I said.. it’s a dark place to be in mentally. I don’t want to be here, but I can’t seem to stop the thoughts or the feelings from coming back.
I’m looking for help and answers but not actually asking for help or for answers because I don’t want anyone to know how I am feeling or how scared I am.