Saw my therapist yesterday. I always feel good there and when I leave there as a newer man than when I arrived. I call my sponsor every day, and another guy from our 12 step program. He and I are both sex addicts, though his is very different from mine. Different yet similar because addiction is addiction is addiction. I call him because I want to connect with other addicts and also because he tells me that it really helps him too. I like that feeling, that battling my addiction and being able to help another human with the same illness, can help me stay away from my old self.
So I spent the day at our house yesterday. Did interact with my wife, not unpleasant. Not really anything, just existed in the same space at the same time. Progress. I felt insecure last night, but did not act out. I did not send her another weird text about my feelings. I live one minute at a time. Hopefully that will turn into one day at a time.
In person 12 step meeting tonight at 6. Those are difficult yet very rewarding. I have to display my “nude” emotions and reveal everything about myself in front of other people. Not the struggle it was, which I hope means something good.
I am changing. I no longer think the way I used to, nor do I act the way I used to. My wife texted me this morning stating she likes the new me so far, but asked if I’m just acting this way to try to impress her. My answer was, I’m not acting, saying or thinking anything like I used to, whether she is in that moment or not. I am reclaiming my self. Not myself, my SELF.