Social anxiety. Something I have been struggeling so so hard with the past years. Whenever It came to school and social anxiety… My previous first days back to school have been so severe when it comes to social anxiety: That I refused to go to school at all, I couldn’t handle it. Often I would spend every school day for a week hiding inside the ladies restroom: Why? Because my parents thought I actually went to school, but no I was hiding waiting for the day to pass. Also once on my first day of school 8th grade I got so nervous about my new class, my entire body just shut down. I literally couldn’t move at all, all the muscles in my body were tight and I couldn’t move no matter how hard I tried. It was hell.
But then, since Its literally A whole new beginning for me now. I figured I don’t want to be like that anymore. I am in control of my feelings and my mind: I’m not going to let my stupid anxiety ruin everything for me AGAIN.
I walked to the school together with my friends, and like we got there just in time. We all went into the gym hall and there the principal welcomed us. The hall was literally so filled: So many faces I’ve never seen before. When we got in we just stood there, and like chatted with my friends. When the principal was going to have a speach, I turned around and jesus christ what the frik? All I could see was the back of a bunch of guys that wasnt standing there two seconds ago. But then gladly the principal told us all to sit down and yeah.
After the long ass speach from the principal, she started calling out names to the different classes. And believe me, it was a complete horror. Me and my friends had to sit there in tension hoping we get into the same class.
But then, no. When I heard my name, and not my friends: I felt extremly nervous. I haven’t been by myself in a long time. I’ve always been so dependant on my friends, have been for years. They know very well about my anxiety problems and just walking out that door by myself was horrifying for me. The worst thing was that I was the only one, only one walking without anyone I know. Seems the other kids from the other schools had ended up with their friends, but nah not me: Just me myself and I.
Though I didn’t panic and walk away, like I would do back in 9th grade and stuff. I just pretended to be confident and just kept walking trying not to mind everyone around me too much.
When we got to the classroom: I noticed everyone just picking out seats immediatly. I panicked, I tried to look for a free seat as fast as possible but everyone else was too fast. But then, I noticed there is friggin name tags on each of the desks. I got so nervous my common sense and logit and really just way of thinking made a wall.
I sat next to a blonde girl, never seen before. And Like i notice everyone else greeting eachothers, handshaking and stuff. I’m like “oh sht i need to introduce myself”. So what I did: I just turned to her, reached my hand out and “Hey, Im Ellen by the way” and then she did the same real fast. She seemed really nice, ofcourse I had forgotten my pencil case at home so I got to borrow a pen from her too. Woho!
Then when we were signed out our own personal school schedules. Well that was some real complicated stuff im still trying to figure out. Like I looked at the paper and went like “wtf”. Literally, so many numbers and short cuts and like what? Am I like supposed to understand this?
We were given a tour around the school, or basiclly just the places we need to know about. But it wasnt helpful at all. To me it was just a bunch of halls that look exacly the same. Stair cases tight af and well it was confusing. While we were walking this guy also came up and talked to me. He asked my name or something, and I have now forgotten his name (sorry). “So you like photography?” he asked me, and we actually had a pretty decent conversation. He seemed confident as hell and pretty nice/cool. This also distracted me like hell from the rest of the tour and suddenly we were back to the classroom. And I’m like “wtf how?” because wtf how the hell were we back to the classroom already? This school is trippy.
Not too much happend throughout my day. All of my friends ended up in the small easy building while I’m in the big ass old one which is basiclly just one giant labyrinth. Like seriously, I cant remember the way to my own damn classroom.
And that brings me to: I was told that we need to meet outside the science lab or something tomorrow. And right now I’m like… WHERE THE HELL IS THE SCIENCE LAB?!