I just Have to Get it Out

I just have to get it out. And I’m not doing it cause I want pity, I’m doing it because I want someone to know, who isn’t a family member. Because I feel like it would in a way end up being swept under the rug.

I’m 29 now, so this happened when I was 17-19 (I wasn’t Raped but it’s still violation on my person). I have a stepfather, who my mom married when I was I don’t know 5-6. I’ve known him all my life as “uncle”. When I was a child something happened with his father, and His wife, my siblings fgrandmother said “it was my fault, that when I visited them and had to stay with them I had these perverted thoughts in my mind already.” (Yeah I was like are you fucking kidding me, a 4-5 year old enticed your 40 yr old husband??!).

Anyways, flash forward to me in HS. My mom would go out and do her Christian practices. And my stepfather worked at night. It started with coming to my room, “checking if I had gone to school” (I missed school allot). At first I thought it was okay, you know, “father interested in his kids”. Then it went to coming into the room and shaking my arm, if I had slept in then he would take me to school. But this is were I started to feel uncomfortable, because I didn’t know he would sleep in his underwear only ( I mean what teenage girl assumes a parent sleeps in underwear). The reason I realized was because when he came in, I turned my head and started to blink and I caught a slight glimpse of him walking away in underwear. 

From that point on it started to make me uncomfortable with his “checking-ins”. Because after the arm shaking, came pulling down the covers and shaking my back. At this point I tried to not miss school anymore, (but I should say I worked PT after school at the Dollar store 5-10pm I would get home and do homework till 130-2) so sometimes I just couldn’t make it to get up at 630-7 to get ready and go. And ever since I was a child I was always very sickly (a Dr.’s visit told me I was Anemic, and that my white cells were very low. And that was why I was always sick) so it was hard. But by this point I would wrap the cover around my body, kind of like a Burrito, because he would now grope my Butt “waking me up”. Well, he  moved to putting his hand under my covers and groping my Butt.  At this point I started to wrap myself in 2 covers, one as a Burrito and the other on top. Didn’t bother him much, because he would just pull the wrapped cover until he was grabbing my Butt. And as soon as I would start waking up he would stop get up and start to leave. I was in panic and shocked. Because here was this guy whom I had know all my life, groping a Teenage girl he called “daughter.” 

This happened for a bit, and I would argue with my mom about why she had to be out doing her Christian practices almost every day. She didn’t understand that I didn’t want to be left with her husband anymore. And I couldn’t tell her, because I couldn’t understand why. But I started to make up my mind to tell.

One morning I was very sick, I couldn’t go to school even though I had set up my alarm, I couldn’t get up. I had a fever but I was so cold,  I felt like my world was spinning, everything hurt. My mother was gone, again. I heard his steps coming up the stairs, but I was out of it, I couldn’t open my eyes I couldn’t move. But I heard him when he came inside my room, I felt when he pulled my blankets down, when he asked me if I was sick, when he started to rub my shoulders telling me a “massage would help” I heard my words tell him “stop, leave me alone” coming from my sore throat, trying to move my shoulders. And I felt and heard the noise my bed made when he climbed up on top of me. His body straddling me (I slept on my stomach that’s my position) so I felt when his Penis had been position on my Butt. Although i was very ill, at that moment my body realized that something worse than been sick was happening because I started to move shoulders trying to get his hands off, but all he did was apply more pressure.  He was slowly dry humping me, he would lean back and forth keep his friction on his parts. I don’t know how long that lasted, because I passed out. I don’t know if my mind decided to protect me, but all I heard was when he closed the door. I know nothing else happened because I lost my virginity at 19. 

From that point I decided that I had to tell my mom, I was no longer comfortable being surround by men. If I was at the store I would start to panic if I had to talk to men, whether it was an excuse me or a question or an answer. 

My Aunt decided to talk to my Mom, because I didn’t realize my Stepdad had slapped her ass “apparently there was a Mosquito and he had tried to swat it away” she didn’t believe it because his hand lingered on her behind. And it had made her uncomfortable. After my mom told me this I decided to tell her, because my mom started to question my Aunt and her sincerity (My Aunt#1 had a situation where she flirted with my other Aunts #2 husband and they had kissed and had gotten caught by my Aunt #2) so logically my Mother started to thinking her sister had instigated whatever had happened. She had a talk with my Stepfather but he said “it was all innocent  he couldn’t believe she had misinterpreted what had happened “. But I knew she was telling the truth, so when I told my Mother, I was angry I started to Cry. I asked her to drop me off at my Aunt #2s house so I could ask her what had happened and tell her about my situation. My mother went to confront my Stepfather. And he talked, I will never understand why my mother sat next to him, why When i talked and he answered I felt like I was wrecking my family. He gave this speech, about leaving his beloved mother to come and be with my mother, how he strived to make our family have decent things. I just couldn’t understand why that had anything to do with him being a Pervert, sexually harassing his “daughter.” 

My mother kicked him out, in a “We need a break” way. But I was left feeling like I had broken up my family, like I had taken my siblings father away. He was gone for 2 yrs. Then he came back and moved into his own apartment and we lived like that for 2 yrs. Then, I moved away and he moved in. 

I had pushed this away, but now this hate and disgust I have towards him, it’s come back. I can’t wear, shorts when it’s hot, leggings with a long shirt outside my room, I can’t wear skinny jeans, I can’t wear fitted shirts in the breast area, because I feel uncomfortable. I’ve caught him looking me up and down, looking at what I’m wearing. When I shower I feel like he waits till I’m going to walk out to pass by the bathroom to see if I come out in a towel. I don’t, I change into jeans and long tops, those men Tshirts that are 2xl, or if I wear shorts they are my brothers basketball shorts. It’s pathetic that I dress like a bum, and I still feel like he’s trying to figure out we’re my Butt is where my Breast are. I could wear a quilt and I would still feel uncomfortable. 

I live with them, because I haven’t gotten my act together and i have nowhere else to go. It’s sad, it is. I should have my shit straight but i don’t.

But I  do believe that it’s never too late. And I know that I am making steps towards getting my act straight.

Sometimes I want to punch him in the face and say “what the fuck are you looking at?” But I don’t know what stops me. I hate his family that I’ve know my entire life, I use to call HiS mother Grandma, but I Hate her more than anyone. More than her Molesting Ass husband (my Stepfathers Dad). I hate her so much that I’ve contemplated how sweet how Happy it would make me to see her Die. In so much pain. I’ve thought, “I wish I knew someone ” ( I’m Mexican, sometime we say this. We refer to someone in a Cartel, Sicarios.) So that I could call them and tell them how much I would enjoy to see her Die. 

And to be honest. That’s what stops me. Not knowing anyone. And not being the one to Do it. This woman doesn’t deserve to live, birthing a Perverted ass Fucker, being Married to a Child Molestor ( and blaming the child of enticing this Man) and Psychologically and Physically abusing Me and my Brother when her job was to protect these children. 

She took us in, This was a woman my mother had know all her life too. This woman was my Grandmother’s Step-sister. My mother’s Mother died after my Uncle was born. My poor mother was only 4. So, yes she trusted her mothers “sister” to be good to Us, while she worked. She never knew, and still doesn’t what happened to me. 

I know my mother should’ve taken care of us not her Aunt, but my mother was a Teen mom. She was 16 when she had me, and 13 when she had my Brother. She was raped both times by her 40 yr old Cousin. Her father called her a Disgrace to his name and a whore. So I can understand why she would think her Mothers sister would be a safeguard. She does play that card very well. 

But this 75 yr old woman is a conniving, manipulating, selfish Bitch. And she deserves the worst of the worst. She’s cynical. 

I just have to say get it out. 

 

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