Today I am in Queens for a training. I will be here the next two days as well. So far, it’s been worthless.
I have been thinking a lot about moving back yesterday and today. Yesterday I got the idea in my head to go back to Lexington, buy a house and a car, do the foster parent training, and start keeping foster kids. I could make that my focus. Right now, I am so alone. I could do something good with what’s left of my life. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’ve been here for 7 months, and I don’t think I will ever find a relationship again. I don’t even really care if I do, anymore. I’m tired of trying. I’m not going to give up on taking care of myself like I did before- I am going to keep exercising and trying to keep my weight down. I don’t want to be fat for me, not to try to be more attractive. I just feel like I don’t have a purpose. I could be doing some good in the world by taking care of foster kids. I don’t fucking know.
I really did nothing when I got home today. I should have gone for my walk and gone to the post office and taken my dress to the cleaners, but I did nothing. Tomorrow will have to be better.