40. Is it even beating?

Pretending to every single person you know is impossible. Making a false smile and laugh seem genuine, in not a trick I thought I could master. Though it seems I have….



The Janine Pandora station is beyond soothing right now. I have work in five hours, however, I don’t see the sandman stopping here tonight. He has been very neglectful of me these past few days..


I came across something today. It ripped into me like I never expected. I told her never to talk to me again, I haven’t stopped crying since. At this point I’m not even sure if the heart I thought I had is there, if it is, is it even beating?


I have never been more thankful for acquiring three jobs. ( however I called off yesterday because….I just didn’t have the will to get out of bed…) I won’t have time to think, or feel, and it makes it incredibly easy to be numb. Just a moment of relief. I never realized neglecting to address things could have this back fire. How could I be so scared of something so amazing? How could I ruin it? I always ruin it, everything. I was so god damn happy, for the first time in my life, and I washed it all away.


Today marks shot three. Not entire much has changed. My voice has dropped a bit though. Quite a bit actually, I missed it. My face slightly looks different, but no huge changes. Sadly no extra body hair yet. I’ve been thinking of speaking with my doc and upping my dose for a while.



I wish I could sleep. She’s always there, I just want to smell her skin, I want the calm of her touch. Maybe I should sleep…it’d only be torture…



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