Every now and again I get a burst of sudden energy. I rush of positivity. A glimpse of the old me.
It’s rare, maybe a few times a year. During this time I’m action packed of ideas on improving my life.
I come up with good ways to solve problems and things that can help me move forward. Seeing the real me shine through reminds me that it’s possible to get better. It’s possible to be me again. Unfortunately the energy fades and I go back to my normal self. Unproductive, negative and pretty useless really.
But for those few hours I have the mind set of a person with genuine desire to be better than iam. Although it doesn’t last long I’m still able to remember back and know that in fact my mind sometimes belongs to me. If I could just get a little more control I really think I’d be able to beat this. I just need to find a way to control my own mind.
At the end of the night when the day has been crazy, I get into bed and write. For hours. Most the time I delete or destroy any evidence of weakness. But getting my feelings down into words makes things more real. Sometimes I don’t want it to be real but sometimes I need to see that it’s real, so I can deal with it.
By ‘it’ I’m not really sure what I’m referring to. My demons I think.. Or maybe it’s just myself I’m battling with. But hey, we are all fighting our own battles! That’s why I don’t judge people, the nicest people can do things that others disagree with, things that may seem odd to others. But maybe that’s just how they cope.
To most people I look like a typical teen. Dumb blonde always on my phone. The Reality is I’m hiding away using my phone as distraction. I wouldn’t change who iam, I wouldn’t be who iam today if I didn’t have the life I have had. Don’t get me wrong if I could pull the anxiety and the depression out of my mind I’d kick it across the country. But still.. I don’t think I’d ever be the same. I have a better appreciation of others, and a better understanding of mental health. A better understanding that life, well it will suck. Then it will be good. Maybe great.. Then suck again.. And so on.
Ps I know I go on and on about anxiety and about depression and about how shit my life is. But the reason I’m doing this is to get these bad feelings out there. I hope that someone else can read these entries and relate to them. Then get help. It’s for me and hopefully for others. Everything I have said in this journal are things nobody really knows about. My family support worker and partner know about the anxiety and depression but they don’t know how it makes me feel. I believe if I can be open to strangers then one day I can be open to the people around me. Maybe just maybe I will one day be open enough to let myself have friends. I used to live for my friends literally. Now I don’t have one. I want this to change but I have to start at the bottom and work my way to the top! And I’m on my way! I apologise for any distress or annoyance I cause anyone. Please don’t continue to read my journal if it causes any harm or distress. I do not want to cause pain to anyone!
Chin up, you can do it!