Emergency

If I had enough money & a place to live…I would leave with Harry right now. I can’t take my family anymore…they’ve ruined me yet have been the only people there for me pulling me through everything…if that makes any sense. We’ve all ruined each other. Hmm ok I am being dramatic…breathe & think.

The situation of all three of us having been seriously unwell at some point and been left still not well yet we are the only immediate support we have for each other is…well it ultimately doesn’t work and can’t work. But we all do our parts. I know the things my dad does has greatly plummeted…but my mum shouldn’t be so harsh with him because in the end the health service labelled his mental condition as chronic, stabilised him on meds that leave him drugged most of the day and it’s not until around now that he wakes up…but as I’ve said the doctors probably took the view that him being permanently drugged in some way was fine, they forced him to retire because he would never be well enough to work again so why not? It’s ok that he’s drugged he can’t do anything more with his life so lets also keep him stable at least so we can just forget about him? But he does do some things and even though he doesn’t do anywhere as much it doesn’t mean that the little he does still isn’t important.

But also it’s hard for my mum; dad gets seriously unwell and she had to fight for him to be treated correctly, then I get ill when I’m just a child and she has to fight for me to be treated correctly and has to cope with seeing the horrible wounds I inflicted on myself then after 15 years of this shite she gets cancer. And even though she’s clear now the chemotherapy and radiotherapy have left her with a lot of health problems that worry her. I see both points of view really.

I always talk about how anything to do with her health she suddenly goes completely bonkers and the way she talks to my dad and me is upsetting, aggressive and basically provokes even worse behaviour in return. I don’t know why she just can’t…be nice and normal in her manner when she’s so worried about her health I just can’t understand it. She reminds me of a hissing cobra she really does…every little thing you say or don’t say, everything you do or do don’t, all your efforts to help are met with a hissing of venom then a quite deadly bite.

She wasn’t feeling well this evening which happens a lot now so I bathed Harry, gave him calpol, brushed his teeth, gave him his breastfeed & he feel asleep. Then I had my own shower, then took out the last nappy I took off for him to have his bath, did the massive clean up of the living room which always resembles a bomb site as Harry never stops, filled up the charity bag for tomorrow morning and put it out ready then went to the toilet. Whilst in the loo I hear mum make her way up the stairs…I knew dad was in their room taking his nighttime medication. Suddenly I hear the noise of mum throwing some very large & heavy around, finally throwing it at the door. Then I hear arguing. I rush out and say “What are you doing mum? You’re going to wake up Harry!!” She carried on arguing with dad so I went to my room and sat in the dark, worrying Harry would be woken up.

When couples argue all sorts of random things get mentioned…my dad was saying he sorted out the e-mails for her when she needed to e-mail the consultant about the tests shes having at the moment (her CT scan was clear) and my mum replied their computer was just stupid. Dad said “The computer isn’t stupid, it’s because it has a stupid operator.” My mum said he was lazy and pathetic.

Dad: “I think it’s come to the point that we need to part,”

Mum: “well then, you leave”

Dad: “I’m not leaving, you go back to your family in Mexico,”

Mum then calls him a bastard.

I just want it all to be better when Harry and me wake up in the morning. He’s so attached to both my mum and dad. Me and my parents are the most important people to Harry. This all shouldn’t be happening, we shouldn’t behave like this for Harry’s sake alone.

We are both prisoners to this broken household. I’ve been a prisoner since I was 12.

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