I wholeheartedly believe that I will be eternally haunted by the toxic and unrealistic concept of romance for as long as I live. From the wee years of my childhood, I believed in growing up and being independent and alone. I dreamt of leaving my friends and family and moving to a place far away where I could create my own life. As I grew up through the years of adolescence, the very idea seemed fine knowing that I would spend it with a man that understood, loved, and devoted himself to me like no one had before. I quickly fed this idea with the novels I read, the films I watched, and the fantasies I made up in my head. Subconsciously, I have done this at every chance I’ve gotten.
In high school, I would say, “Why in the world would you ever date someone at this age?” My ideals and expectations of “romance” have been greatly shaped by the fact that this “dream man” for me, was to be significantly older. I’m not quite sure to this day if my taste is in an older age, or a wiser mind, but either way both appeal to me. In hindsight, looking at my sexual awakening slash upbringing, I believe it has always been my destiny to be attracted to the dark side. The dark side of love and sex, that is. I dreamt about being so in love with someone else that it hurt, physically and mentally. Pain. So much pain. It has always attracted me on a primal level. I believe perhaps it is the sadist in me that ravels in knowing that it could hurt to have someone love you too much and vice versa. In terms of sex, BSDM evidently comes to mind.
While I’ve never practiced BDSM, at least not yet, the very idea of pleasure deriving from pain only brings me excitement, and arousal. It’s fascinating to study yourself. I do it often when it comes to my sexuality. What turns me on, what doesn’t. And why. Nevertheless, I think it’s my cold demeanor and introvert side that refuses to mix both the two: love and sex. So where does romance come to play? That is what I’ve been trying to figure out all these years. But I mean it when I say that it haunts me. I see it everywhere. Couples left and right, married couples left and right. Exclusivity, monogamy. Terms so foreign to me, so incredibly terrifying, but at the same time things that I yearn for. I don’t know how all these things come together or have any relation to each other; sex, love, monogamy. In a perfect world, a dream world, for me at least, these ideas would stand on their own and never coincide. I don’t exactly know where this post is going, but this is something that I think about daily, and it is my duty to write it down.