Am I still clinging to something that I will not let go?

There’s a lot of things in my life that I won’t let go of… my eating disorder, my depression, my anxiety, my trauma and, in some ways, my ability to go back and drink. I have always say that I’ll never say I’ll never drink again because I don’t like the idea of NEVER being able to drink again even if it’s what I need. I don’t want to count the days of my sobriety because it’s just a reminder of that NEVER. I don’t know why I want to hang on when it only causes me loss and pain. I guess a part of me likes the drama, the chaos, the disaster that comes along with drinking. My husband has said to me before that I’m not really happy unless something bad is happening to me and maybe that’s true. But I have to let go of this idea that it’s OK to drink, that the next time won’t be that bad, that this time wasn’t that bad because it always is that bad. ALWAYS. This aspect of my life is tearing my life apart and no other facet of me is doing that. Even with the eating disorder I’m still a whole person but when I drink I’m not even a person and I don’t want my disease to become who I am. Somewhere in my I know I’m bigger and better and stronger than a $6 bottle of vodka that I’m not even getting a good on that investment. I’m losing everything but I’m not willing to lose myself and so if this is how I really feel then it’s time I really fight.

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