Today has been another horrible day really and it’s left me feeling unwell and longing to just take loads of lorazepam at once. Seems it is mutual, neither of my parents want to be together. My mum said she would have left dad a long time ago if it wasn’t for me being so unwell and now she says she stays for both mine and Harry’s sake. I mean, I get it, my dad’s mental illness has very nearly completely destroyed the person he used to be and he is hard to deal with. He doesn’t go out much at all, usually just to the shops or the chemist or to get petrol but if he does go out with a friend (he rarely does that now anyway) he appears so normal and well to them…so much so people tell my mum they don’t believe he’s unwell. No one really believes it and it’s very isolating for my mum and myself. Who would want to put up with all of this, right? That’s what has happened, my dads mental illness is too much for my mum now.
It all makes me extremely sad. My parents are staying together just for me & Harry but I don’t have the money to live on my own with Harry. I really do only get a bit less than £2000 a year and have always been told not to seek paid work. The horribly saddest thing is that no one can truly put up with a mental health condition for life, even if they are married. Means I’ll be alone forever and even Harry will get sick of me at some point. I have always been so afraid of the future that I can only cope with living in the moment, I cannot let myself dwell on the future because it’s a recipe for a suicide disaster. I don’t know what is waiting for me in future but the odds aren’t great. My family is finally broken by my dads mental illness. It took me down at the age of 12 and I’m prisoner to live with my son in the ruins, my sister escaped via university then marriage and no longer really gives my dad the time of day he’s not even welcome in her new house and now my mum forsakes the marriage vows. In sickness and in health. Not in sickness…not a mental health one. If my dad suffered a physical sickness it would have been different. Everyone gets sick of the mentally ill and abandons them in the end.
This entry has no hope but I need to get it out. I don’t take any sides on this one, but my mum should never have suddenly just marched up stairs and try to hit my dad with a stick with a heavy, brass ball on the end. She told me she changed her mind at the last minute and just threw it at the door instead but…how can she expect dad not to react to that kind of action. He would never have said those bad things to her that night if she hadn’t done that. My mums mistake and my mistake has been to still expect my dad to do more…his illness has destroyed him and he will never be well again, that’s awful…but it also means he can’t help us anymore.
The only thing I have decided to do is strive to become completely independent now…I will not ask my parents for anything at all unless it is absolutely essential. I am pretty much like that already anyway but I am going to make it…complete. With my feelings…I pretty much do this anyway but that will stay here only. Nobody will hear of any despair from me. I have to do this alone.