Everything was going so much better. We reconciled, not moved back home yet, not in our bed with my wife, but we were talking. We were touching, hugging, kissing. We said “I love you”. Then something clicked, words were exchanged that should not have been, and we were disengaged again. But wait….. this journal was about my addiction too.
Therein lies the problem. While my love for my wife of nearly 33 years is powerful, the addiction is also. And it will be there, just under the surface of anything and everything that I try to do, say or think. In order to have a loving relationship with my wife, or do anything, I must always fight the compulsive behavior that is within me. We; she and I, will be ok. This was not the end of all, but a harsh realization.
So today, I play a sport with a bunch of friends. I have not been there with them in nearly 3 months. Everyone wants to know where I’ve been, what’s wrong and so forth. I am a lucky man. I have a marvelous support system, a couple dozen really good friends. And I had a loving wife. I hope to regain her trust one day. I am in love. I am an addict. I am a flawed human man. But I will never stop trying.
Tools: As a sex addict, how do I control my dark sick desire to spend time online surfing porn and sexting anonymous strangers? There are ways. I had my sponsor install porn blocking software on my PC and my phone. I also gave my wife my email passwords and my phone unlock PIN. I asked her to install the same K9 software on her / our home PC. I have my three circles. I’ll explain that in another journal. I have phone numbers of a bunch of people who can talk me down. I speak daily with my sponsor and another guy in our program. He struggles more even than I do, with his sex addiction. He was the guy who picked up the phone on July 7, 2017, when I called SAA. It helps him for me to call him, and it helps me.
I have a good system in place, as an addict. I nearly lost my soulmate because of this. I will never let that happen again. Tonight we will attend a small party with baseball game on TV’s, a fire outside, food and drinks. This will be the first time we have reintroduced ourselves as a couple to our friends. It’s a pivotal day. I hope that I don’t screw it up. Wish me luck.
Thanks and blessings,