Day 11

So today was a bad day.  Its just im so over this.  Y can’t I accept the fact that he is gone. Like he is never coming back. Im tired of the crying. Im tired of having to take pills to get through the night or day. I cried all the way home tonight. I cried at my moms I just cant do this.  He wasn’t suppose to get sick again. He wasn’t suppose to leave me. I just wish I got that one phone call, that one last time saying I love you, that one last holiday but instead we go on through the day trying to get through it but just sit and cry. I don’t like how I feel I don’t like how my mom feels. I just sit and wonder what it would be like if he was still here. Fighting for his life or cure. I think about it often what our lives will be like if he was still here. I don’t like that I cant call him. He was suppose to be here. He was suppose to see his grandbabies grow up. Danica misses him like crazy. I keep trying to talk to her about him but lately its so hard. This week has been hard it was my moms birthday and I hate seeing her so upset.  We cried tonight. I was having a hard day and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I hate going to the house, I hate driving through groveport, I hate going to the cemetery, I hate seeing all of us upset.  I took over clothes of my dad to the post office and they are so nice and another family but they are going to make my mommy cry and im so worry about it. They are making her a quilt and they needed 12 photos and I was in the mist of it. Well Im trying to find pictures of just the main family not outside family because we were the ones who took care of him.  but the thing is is this. There is no updated photos of dad and jen and boys.  Everything is either from my wedding or Disney but than madyson is not in them. So I don’t know. I just don’t know. So I found some but I don’t know. I just wish that he was here. I just miss him so much. Its not fun with out him.  The next 6 months is going to be hard.  We had Karson and moms birthday, my birthday next month, Disney and Jens birthday, Danicas and Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years and mikes birthday. So its like ahh I just cant deal with it all. I know I will but I just want to get through it you know.  So this week was Danicas first week of school. And Dad always asked or called how did my lil sweetie do at school and there was times where I just wanted to call him but I cant or text him. So its so hard. Its like we knew it was coming and I should be okay with it but Im just really really missing him.

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