god i feel like shit

pain is on a ridiculous level. i want to buy all the makeup to make myself feel happy. meals are either diet approved or not, no halfsies. like yesterday, lunch was diety, supper was diety, late night leftovers were diety, then i had a big bowl of ice cream.

i had taken pain meds, i was watching murder docs, i was tired as hell and i wanted ice cream.

i read some posts that said now that people had all the time pain they were angry or at least intolerant of bullshit these days. i am currently intolerant and or apathetic as well as sporadically angry. i still have very little trust but last night i didn’t care if he was talking to another woman or not. because i still don’t trust. so now when things are off routine, i wonder if he is.

and it’s just one more bullshit thing to have to worry about. i feel absolutely fucking terrible these days. and i’m so fucking tired. i’m exhausted. and all i can do is hope that the person i want to spend my life with is being trustworthy. because otherwise fuck everything who needs it. who wants a lying piece of shit in their life.

because it’s not about talking to or fucking other people, it’s about the betrayal of trust. trust is paramount. trust is all. without trust hate grows. this isn’t my first rodeo. pretty much every rodeo has ended like this. in the past it made me more and more insecure.  now i just get angry.

i told him i forgave him and i think i did, the act of talking to someone else. but it’s the fallout that came after i have a hard time getting over.

i read it takes an average of 3 years to get over cheating if you stay. i don’t want to be up his ass for 3 years until i trust him again but at the same time that crazy female part wants all his passwords to everything and to be up his ass to make sure doesn’t lie to me anymore.

i don’t want to feel like this is my fault

i don’t want to resent him

i want him to make everything up to me

but i don’t know if i’d even believe it right now

how do you even earn trust back

maybe he’ll get to look it up

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