[52] ~*Mon – 08/28/17*~

[12:33 pm]

I’m so confused right now and just feel empty for some reason. I want to sit here and cry but obviously I can’t as I’m working. I just feel overwhelmed for some reason. I guess it’s all because of the job at the Halfway House which I still haven’t called back. I just been wanting to work there since I graduated, 5 yrs ago, and never even made it as far as an interview. I just always applied when ever they had a posting and that was it. Now I’m doubting myself so much. I’ve always had a problem with believing in myself so that’s nothing new but right now I doubt myself so much that I don’t want to call back cause I tell myself I’m not good enough and will be making too many mistakes. It’s funny how I wanted the job so bad and now I’m scared and not because of being with inmates. I’m actually passionate about them. I’m scared of being too dumb for the job and screw up. It’s not a normal job, it’s correctional. I don’t want to screw up. 

I’ve been thinking about it for a week now. I’m starting to really regret not calling back as I’m also scared to have lost my chance. I know I’m debating myself so much but accepting to go to an interview is nothing. For all I know, he won’t even take me for the job. I think that’s another reason why I’m scared. I’m scared to be disappointing if I don’t get offer a job there. I’ve already met the guy like 7 yrs ago. I had actually had an interview with him for an internship which I obviously didn’t get back then. He more than likely won’t remember me but yea. I did end up doing an internship at another Halfway House which I’d want to work at that one more but I’ve never seen any opening for that one. 

I’ve also just finished a book called The prison book club from Ann Walmsley and it was just making me want to work at the Halfway House even more. The book is about two ladies that goes into prison to start book clubs with the inmates and it was really interesting. Some of the inmates made it to Halfway Houses which is when they talked about it. They didn’t talk about them much, just a little at the end when like I said, some inmates would make their ways into houses. I kinda took it as a sign?! I’ve been debating and here in my face I read about inmates going to Halfway Houses. I don’t know. I read a lot of books of all kind so for me to be reading this at the same time I get a call. I’m just not sure cause it’s not really a good time as I leave for vacation next week so I’m not really sure what to say. I guess the truth?! That I am interested if he still is looking but that I am leaving for vacation next week and if he can’t wait that’s okay but if so, I’d be glad to meet once I’m back. 

Anyway, I also feel sickish cause I worked up myself this morning. I was tired and hoping my first client would cancel and, she did. I received a text saying she had cancelled but then the office called me to say she had cancelled, which I was already aware but also mentioned that she doesn’t want to do the Mondays anymore. That said, I’m losing 3 hrs per week which brings me down to 39. I’m so tired of this up and down with hours. I’m also curious to know if she really wants to stop or they finally said something about her cancelling. I need to wait to Fri to ask her, if she doesn’t cancel. If she does, I need to wait after vacation. I was trying to tell myself I’d think about it after vacation as I did get the hours for today and next week I was already losing them as I am on vacation. I have time to think about it later but nope, it’s all I was thinking about this morning so I ended up not really sleeping the extra time. I did stay in bed though so when I got up, my back hurt so very badly. I had such a hard time getting dressed and I have no idea how I will survive closing the store tonight. I feel it’s all crashing right now and I just hope I can go away and not think about it next week. 

I’m at the library with a client and these girls near us are talking about decisions and opportunities and God. God?! Blah! I just want to scream. As I’ve said before, I am not religious and right now really not cause they are just making me want to scream for what they are saying. I don’t want to offend people but yea.. “He has a path for you. All you do is good and any bad decisions will bring you somewhere.” Blah blah! “God puts perseverance in my heart.” no clue why but them talking about God here and there just got me pissed off all over again. I’m trying not to listen to them but faw. I feel awful for saying this but it’s how I feel. I’m sure I’ll be punished tonight for saying this. I’m going to the Casino for my last free $5 and I already know I won’t be winning anything. I also need to find the time to go to Costco to get that bike for my mom’s coworker. I hope my last client cancels as it would help with time but that’s hoping for too much considering my morning client cancelled. 

I just really feel so blah and want to crawl in a corner somewhere. We’re also going to the dentist tomorrow and that is scaring me. I’m scared my teeth have gotten worse. I finished the work on my bottom ones and still need the upper ones but with my luck, some more will need to be done. I was doing the work but then had to get my wisdom teeth removed so that took all the money last year so I didn’t go to the dentist last year after having those removed. So it’s been like a year and a half and I’m sure it’s not good. I guess it can’t be worse than when I started going again as it had been like 10 yrs since I had last went. I just have this huge fear of losing my teeth. It actually been a nightmare I used to have at least once a week. Surprisingly, I haven’t had the dream in a long time which watch me have now that I’ve talked about it. 




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