Monday August 28th

I have a headache. It started yesterday. It was from drinking those alcohol drinks on the beach. It was only 3 drinks all day, so I didn’t get drunk, or could even feel it, but it was enough to give me a headache. I went to bed with it and woke up with it. 

My anxiety is eating me up this morning, too. I am feeling very scared. My therapist that wasn’t at her office for my appointment Thursday was not good for me. I really need to spend some time this week trying to find a better one. I am getting scared because it is getting close to time for school to start. This is my last week of break. Next week I go back to work, and it will be the first time I will be working in my new school. I am scared about that. 

I had a nice day yesterday going to the beach with my new friends. I think I said things a couple of times that they didn’t like. 

I need to stay off of Facebook more than I have been. I need to stop posting stuff. Just stop. If I move back to Kentucky, I am going to abandon social media completely. I don’t know what to do about my life. I don’t know what the “right” thing is. I am scared and I have no one I can trust to ask or to help me. 

I don’ t know what to do or how to get better.The best way to describe the high level of anxiety for me is to say that I feel scared. I feel really scared. I really need help to get better. 

later, that same day…

I made an appointment with a new therapist for Wednesday. I am not very optimistic about it. I should have been working on getting a better therapist all summer. I am going to go see this one, and if she sucks, I will go to another one. The problem is that I am getting no help while I am therapist shopping. And, it gets old telling my fucking story over and over from the beginning. 

I talked to Noah for about an hour on Skype tonight. I honestly just don’t know what to do. Noah and John are the only reasons I would want to move back there. My mother makes me feel bad for not being there with Noah. She says my sister feels sorry for him and tries to help him, blah, blah, blah. My mother doesn’t help me when I talk to her. She makes me feel worse some times. I told her about my anxiety being so high right now and she tried to tell me it’s just menopause. Ugh. I said I’m not in menopause, but she wouldn’t hear it and just kept telling me that’s what it was. 

I don’t know about going back to Kentucky. It makes me feel like I would be a failure if I had to go back there. And, I would hate to have to ask for a job back, too. 

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