Ugh

Dear God,

I am tired.  You know I never ask anyone for help.  My parents disowned me 18 years ago and they have never met their 18-year-old granddaughter.  I’ve cried myself to sleep for years yet I still get up in the morning and work my tail off.  I teach my daughter that no matter how many lemons are thrown, you can always find a way to make some lemonade.  Sometimes, the lemonade may not be as sweet as you like but you tried.  And now, here I am unemployed and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I am unsure of the direction I need to go.  I am frustrated because I have always been self-sufficient and now I feel lost.  Not sure which way to go from here – need some guidance.  I don’t need your pity.  I am praying and writing because I am grateful for this life and also pissed at the same time.  I think I am more pissed about recently seeing my parents after 18 years and my mom couldn’t even give me a proper hug.  Why is it that she can’t forgive me for having a child out of wedlock?  Why is she so unforgiving?  I understand her anger but don’t understand how a mother can hold a grudge for 18 years.  She didn’t even ask about her granddaughter – such a shame.  I am so disappointed that I came from her womb.  I will never treat my daughter that way.  Never.     I pray that you provide me with some peace so I can move on.  I feel like I am the failure even though I tried to talk to her and hug her.  It’s crazy that this 40-year-old woman craves the love of her mom that never even loved her.  I just don’t understand.  This just breaks my heart.  Please guide me, I don’t like being weak.

XP

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