50. Pitch Black

Everything lately has been happening so fast, I haven’t had much time to even process it. Nothing seems right any more, nor does there seem to be any sort of path in sight. I literally feel like I’m walking alone through a dark forest, no source of light, not even the glow of the moon. No indication of what time of night it is, just pitch black.  

The only thing I know of for sure if that Thursday the moving will be over with, and it will be one thing off of my plate. Relieve some stress, I hope. My anxiety is through the roof, and I constantly feel like I’m going to have a panic attack at every move. Tomorrow I’m planning to start jogging, I need something to help ease this tremble I have within me.

Last night I slept/laid in bed for 12 hours. So I’m not quite sure why I’m surprised tonight I wont go to sleep until after 4 am. If I sleep at all. Something about sitting here listening to the crickets, the hum of the fan, plus the snoring of the dogs, is actually astonishingly peaceful. A feel foreign to me these days.

My oldest pup Lola, has some short of rash, and is loosing her fur. She had this once before when she was a few months old. How ever, that was some time ago, and I cant for the life of me remember what we had done for her. Before work tomorrow I’m going to oatmeal bathe her and see if it helps. I have to stop her from loosing any more fur. Something in my gut tells me there’s more wrong with her then possibly getting into something. She’s acting strange. Keeping to her self a little more, sleeping next to me verses in between my legs, slightly lethargic, dopey almost as well. I’m hoping its just the rash that has her down, but if this continues, off to the vet we go. She is always my trouble some pup. I love her none the less.

 

Today hurt a lot. Our..conversation. I don’t even have the words to explain the cannon to my heart. I feel like it written all over every inch of me….the devastation, the guilt, the bleeding heart, the self pity, and the emptiness. I probably look how I feel, a soulless bag of bones walking around. Pathetic.

Tomorrow I’ll still get up, I’ll take a run, and I’ll wait. I have to.

goodnight.iloveyou.

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