I’m feeling so low today. Right from the morning. My mum said some hurtful words yesterday and they are kind of stuck with me. I don’t know why I have became so weak. I can always choose to ignore them or pass them off jokingly, some things need to be ignored in order to maintain your peace inside your head. I know all this gyan and I’m repeating it again and again to myself but somehow every time I repeat it, I feel more like crying (Eyes are stil welled up with tears). Suicidal thoughts are coming. From yesterday, I’m just framing up mentally my last note to my parents. I won’t do suicide but I dont know what to do to get out of this pain. I know people have so much bigger problems and everyone survives. I am being too critical to myself. I think I need to accept this and move on. I think I like Rohit Francis. And he’s head over heels for his ex. He keeps proposing her for marriage. She’s a model. She recently gave interview on Radio One- pune. She’s just 25. Though I admire that girl but I keep comparing myself to her and I feel like a total loser to myself. I know it’s not healthy. May be I’m just lonely, so a slight affection from opposite side turned my hope on. I’ve always been deprived of male attention. I will soon turn 26 and not a single admirer I have. This thought is really bugging me. Rohit’s ex is a self made girl that too at such young age. I’m not even interested in my field. Sometimes I do not know whether I’m even interested or not. The regret I’ve is that I never got to experience more, explore more. I lost my identity in being a good daughter. A good daughter who never lied at home, never bunked tutions or school, was always in limit, obedient and at the end, what do I get, not even my parent’s love. They just ignore my desires. Sometimes it’s not financially viable other times it’s useless and a wastage of time. It’s true that the one who acts wise and ready to compromise, have to compromise always. Money has always been spent on my brother’s silliest of demands and my small small things, was met with lectures. I paid the price for being too obedient and wise kid.
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. The indifference of my mom is so hurtful. My every decision or opinion is mocked upon. I’m not good with communicating my feelings. I don’t understand how mummy becomes so sensitive to the slightest needs of my brother and just turns plain back to me. I’m fed up of hiding in plain sight. May be I’m wrong but all I need is a little love and cajoling. Nobody understands me. I don’t want to be a cry baby in front of my friends. God please help me !!