I haven’t written in 3 years

so I live with my dad. I’m the youngest of the 4 kids he has I am 19 years old. My boyfriend has been living with us for over a year due to his relationship with his family (and believe me those fuckers are somethin else). So anyways my dad has done everything he could to raise us. My mother is a drug addict so my dad had no choice but to do it himself. I appreciate that. 100%. My dad also falls ill do to him being diabetic. He gets sores on his feet so he can’t work. He is a CNA and his shifts are 12 hours long. What sucks is that everyone I know loves my dad. “Oh he’s such a great worker” or “you’re dad is an amazing man “. Why does it suck so bad? Well let me tell you. I cannot sit here and tell you that my dad didn’t do all he could to support us. He did I will forever love him and be thankful that he stood his ground and did what he had to do for us. But I also wanna say that there is more to being a parent than just getting kids school clothes and making sure they have a few bucks for lunch. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Nowadays who the fuck doesn’t have a mental disorder? Besides the point.  I’m not going to get into depth about the things that have happened to me and to my family. Maybe in another entry at a different time. When I turned 16 I had my first job. It sucked of course. But at 16 I paid my dad rent every month to live with him. We got money in food stamps. We were okay. I was told to get a job so I could start making my own money and pay for my own things like my phone bill and enjoy my days as a teenager. That’s what my dad told me. But as I worked most of my checks were gone and I didn’t have money to spend on me I’d give it to my dad. Same with my brother, our money would go to my dad. My dad makes 17 dollars an hour. 12 hour shifts 4 days a week. That’s about 816 dollars a week minus taxes or whatever. So still about 700 dollars a week.. we live in a small town. Cost of living is cheap and our rent is 350 a month.  Today I make about 520 dollars every two weeks. My dad makes 1200 every two weeks on his own. Plus the extra 400 dollars from me and my boyfriend and then an extra 300 from my brother that’s 1900 a month that goes to my dad. Although the rent alone is 350 a month. And utilities and such so my dad still is left with a 1,150 dollars to spend. My boyfriend goes shopping for the house with his 200 dollars in food stamps. But my dad doesn’t consider that contributing. I cook and I clean and I even go as far as making sure my grown ass dad and brother wake up for work on time everyday. I constantly pick up after them. I constantly am told that what I’m doing isn’t enough. My brother is also very inconsiderate and we go hungry sometimes do to th fact that my brother consumes so much food that we dont get to eat sometimes. My dad will be nice at times and offer to take us to eat or to watch a movie but every time he does it he tells me to “add it up” as I’m add up all the things he’s ever done or gotten for me.  My brother was a senior is high school for 3 years! I go severally depressed one year and got held back so I had to retake my senior year in high school I barely graduated in may .He took my brother and some family to dinner and spent 500 dollars paying for all their meals and still gave my Brother cash so he can go on his trip to California. For my graduation. 6 pictures were taken. 2 by my boyfriend. I didn’t have a dinner. And the response I got from my father was “I’m glad you graduated but you should have done it last year so that pisses me off”. This week my dad is going to several other states on vacation for two weeks. My brother is also going on vacation for two weeks because he pulled out a loan. I told my dad that I was not depositing any money into his account while he’s on vacation because we will be here alone and I’ll need money for my car and for my phone bill and In case we need food. And he’s upset. I seriously need advice on what do do and where to go when I can’t even save my money to get on my feet because my dad treats me so badly over it. He bought me a car that he just takes when he feels like he needs it and uses my gas and I’ll be left with none and he’ll throw in my face about how I used his car before.  If I leave im scared he’ll take my only way to work at to doctors appointments. Did I mention that he can’t claim me on his taxes ? He had my brother claim me and they split the cash. My dad got  motorcycle and my brother got a PS4 and whatever else. I haven’t had a pair of new shoes since I was 16 working at mcdonalds. My heart is actually in pain. My mind is full of angry thoughts. Why do they hate me….

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